Ted Kennedy’s Replacement

I was so excited tonight. My husband turns the TV to the news, as usual. But he happened to turn it right as they were talking about Ted kennedy’s replacement being elected in Mass. I could not believe my ears. I usually tune out the news because most of the time it just irritates me or makes me mad. However, my first thought when I saw that a republican(ok this is not really a political thing, but I thought I should mention that I am not anything, maybe independant, but I’m in the middle on a lot of issues, this blog is about something else) had been elected was Wow God is so alive and so amazing. When Obama got elected my facebook page was bombarded with status updates that went from “the end of the world is here”, “Obama is the anit-christ”, to many other things.

   All I remember thinking was that all these people that believe in God and pray to Him for so many things don’t trust that he knows what He is doing. Throughout history we humans have proven that we have no clue and that we are doomed to make the mistakes of the past. Obama is a man plan and simple just like every other human on the planet. I realize he’s also the president but come on people. Anyway, that’s not the point. My point is here we are right at one year later and guess what this one republican being elected means that the Democrats no longer have all the power in the senate.

  My side of that is I find it funny that all the sudden they are talking about getting things together and owrking together for things like health care. Isn’t that the point of senate in the first place, to work together for the American citizens good. duh!!! Well, obviously that’s not it since the only reason why everyone is scrambling is because now they don’t have the power they so crave and need the help of some of those “other people” in order to get even part of what they want. Funny if you ask me.

  Anyway, that’s not my point. My point is God is amazing. He is alknowing and he is always with us, whether we think he is or not. Obviously some people in Mass. wanted something different and have not liked what they have seen over the last year. But God knew. He knew way back in November of  ‘08 when all these people were elected. Can you imagine sitting there saying why are you saying all these things. This is just a man, these are just men and women, they do not have my power, and they don’t know what I can do. How great is our God that He placed on the hearts of those people in Mass. to vote for someone that could drastically change Washington. How amazing that position would even be open one year after the term started, that’s not really a normal turn of events. I have sat here all night and I keep coming back to what an amazing God. What an amazing country we live in that dispite the fact that people want to say bad things, and assume the worst, that is when we find the best. That is when, if you are really looking you can see God’s presence, and His miracles. I believe in miracles. Maybe not the same one’s Jesus performed, but how amazing is what happened today. Our God is with us today. He has shown us His power and His way in HIS time.

“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

If you know the song that goes with the verse the end says “teach me Lord to wait”….we are called to look to Him, to trust Him, and to wait on Him. How amazing that when we don’t jump to conclusions and we trust in His good and perfect will that amazing things happen. And no matter how hard we try those things will always be to the good of those that love Him and to show His glory to the world.

I’m sure there are people that have their own opinions of why this happened. People are unhappy with the democrats and Obama because he has been so slow in fulfilling his promises from his campaign. People want change and therefore they are wish-washy because they don’t know what they think or believe or really want. But I am here to tell you that I trust God. I knew amazing things would happen. I knew that our country was still full of good people that do good things and that love God. This proves it once again for me and I intend to make sure that I tell the good news and the good story before I decide to start blaming someone else or assuming the worst.

Thanks for reading and have a blessed day!!!!

Thoughts….

So I have been convicted in a way. I have recently like in the past month seen 3 people from the church that I attended last year while my husband was deployed to Iraq. All three have said that they would like to see us out there again. I have some issues with that because I really have some issues with church, as whole. I love God and I am in constant contact and interaction with him. I have friends that I talk to on the phone aobut everything in my life and aout God and what he wants from us. I think A LOT outside the box. i don’t believe in putting God in a box and therefore sometimes it’s hard for me to interact with people that have their thoughts made up about certain situations. So my point is that I think I’m going to take my kids to church tonight. Not because everyone tells me it’s what I should do but because I am open enough to see that God is working on me and that by recent events there is a reason that he wants me to go to church. And not only that there is a reason i belong at the church that i had been going to. That scares me in a lot of ways because there were quite a few issues that I had out there. But I truelly believe one of two things is supposed to happen. I’m supposed to change my thinking about some things….or I’m supposed to help to make this congregation everything that it can be. It’s a little scary…but isn’t this what faith is all aobut???

Anyone reading this that is determined to judge someone that doesn’t go to church regularly I challenge you to stop and think abou that. God has lead me back to church, He lives in me and He blesses my life and I don’t go to church regularly. But there’s a reason He wants me there and I know that it is up to me to head that call when it is given. So…here I go. We’ll see what happens and hopfeully I will be even more imencely blessed by whatever happens.

 

THanks for listening. Have a blessed day!

Join my group….

Hey for any of you out there that are a member of face book I have started a group called “Seeking God through discussion”

I have been seeking a place to share my thoughts and my life and struggles and i have yet to find anything on here that is real. That discusses real life and that gets deep into our thoughts and what God really wants from us. So I created my own group. I want it to be a place of sharing and of learning from each other. It’s often hard to know where someone else is at and until we are directly effected by a situation it’s also hard to know what we would say or do. I have found that faith is something that is often illusive. That is hard to find and that in the midst of pain, worry, anger, and frustration it is often the furthest thing from our minds.

It is extremely painful when you watch a friend go through such a difficult time that they start to question God and what His goal is for our lives. Someone that has always known and loved God and that you know is so lost that they may just fall off the edge. This is scary and it is sad. It’s sad that so many of us have been taught and conditioned to know a God that doesn’t really love us, or only loves us when we are perfect. It’s hard to know that there is something more, that a personal relationship with God means something different than what you may have always known. It’s not about what someone else believes or what someone told you or taught you. It’s about seeking God and finding him for yourself. It is very hard for me to know the answers to some very difficult questions. Even things that the Bible speaks about. There are things that are confusing and there are things that aren’t directly spoken of in the Bible. It’s not a blue print, I don’t believe there is any way to follow it to the point where we will be saved. Which is where grace comes in. My struggle is that what if the grace is supposed to cover something that you have always been taught is wrong.

here’s my new big question…..what makes a marriage to God?…..is it the piece of paper. Is it the heart of the people involved. Is it when you have sex with the person you pledge to live the rest of your life with? What to God is marriage? And if it’s sex, do I have more than one husband, even though I’ve only been married once. Am I cheating on my husband because i’m not with the first person that I had sex with. Also even if you get married and have that piece of paper is it really a marriage in God’s eyes if that marriage is never what God views marriage as. A joining of two people, two people becoming one, a husband clinging to his wife, and the wife clinging to her husband. What if that doesn’t happen. What if you are married for 10 years and in those 10 years there has been no time when that marriage has been what God calls it to be in the Bible. If you get a divorce knowing what God thinks about divorce are you going to hell? I mean if God never saw the marriage in the first place, doesn’t that kind of negate the divorce. I am so confused on this subject. I’m confused because I know that we should not get divorced and that this is something that God is against. However, i also know what God says about husbands and wives and the way they are supposed to behave and treat each other. If one or both parties don’t follow these rules aren’t you in just as much danger of going to hell as if you get divorce because you feel your marriage is not what God would want it to be.

I want to believe that God loves us. That He wants us to be happy, not that life will be easy, or painful, but happy. That he wants us to be able to say that our life is good, that no matter what we live in His love and glory. What if you are in a situation where you can’t say that? Or is that even possible? Should we be finding God and seeking him that much more if we have the feeling that we are myserable, and things will change. Plus then there’s the onther people…you can’t change someone else. Do you surrender to being in pain for the rest of your life because you are willing to change and the other person isn’t. Wow….I couldn’t get more confused. This is why I started this group. Pretty much everyone has their thoughts about these things and I wanted a  place for people to talk and share without judgment or fighting. If anyone is as confused as I am..then maybe we can find help together.

I do know this. God is good all the time. God loves us, and he truelly wants what is best for us. Just because we can’t find that doesn’t mean that it’s not what He wants. And just because we often put God in a box, especially where our feelings and opinions are concerned doesn’t mean that He can’t touch and change anything that we step back and give him the power to change. Thanks for listening…and if you’d like to start or answer some more interesting questions please stop by my facebook page…or join the group that I mentioned earlier.

Have a blessed day!

I’m angry!

So the phone rings at like 10:45 last night. As usual my husband doesn’t answer it because we are in bed and he has to get up early. We know who it is it’s his best friend. This is not the first time he has called when he knows we are in bed. Anyway, we lay there and an hour later the phone rings again. This time it is a different man saying that Chad’s best friend is talking crazy and he can’t calm him down. I’m not really sure where to go from here.

So I’ll do my best not to make this confusing. The man that called we’ll say he’s “John”….is a christian man that goes to church and that him and his wife are very open about wanting to be in God’s light, and keeping their family on the right path. I am all for that and I know that most people have their hearts in the right place even when they are wrong.

Ok so “steve” calls my husband and when he doesn’t get him, he calls John. Who then calls my husband and then my husband calls Steve. I know that something is wrong at this point and I am just hoping that it’s not another call saying that someone they love has died. That happened to us in January. Anyway, my husband talks to Steve for a minute we get out of bed, and next thing he says is I’m going to Steve’s house. It’s not like his house is just down the road, he lives 30 minutes away. So I kiss him, tell me to be careful, and let me know when he gets there.

Steve is drunk and apperantly his wife has left the house. That was all I knew at the time. My heart is just breaking because I know how much they love each other and I know that they are dealing with some pretty major issues. Aside from just getting home from Iraq, Steve is the one that found his friend in January who had accidentally over dosed while drinking. Man….can we even imagine? I know I can’t. I’m pretty sure I would be messed up for a long time. Anyway, not that I agree necessarily, but he needed someone to love him and just to listen. Sure he was yelling and mad and going off about his wife and what she was doing. But he was mad, and upset, and she had left. I’m sure there were 1,000 things going through his head.

This is why I am angry. Today I look at John’s wife’s myspace page and she has a message on there about how Steve is ungrateful and she is losing sleep because he wants to grip about his responsibilities. I am so angry. i realize that it’s really none of my business. And there is no reason for me to get involved. But Steve is like my brother, I love him. I would protect him from anything that I had the power to protect him from. I am proud of him, and I want him to learn things. I am so angry that someone who claims to be a good friend, and care so much would be so ugly about something that obviously says that Steve was in need.

I get so tired of “christian” people doing things in the name of God that are not what god would want. Do I think that God would say Steve was right or doing the right thing. No I don’t, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t deserve friends and someone to listen to him and love him and be there for him when he needs them. Plus, I can’t stand liars. I can’t stand people that lead you to believe something that is absolutely not true. I know Steve I spend time with him, I talk to him, and I know his heart. I also know that he is struggling and he is lost and he needs someone to love him and be there for him. It seems that this family is only willing to be friend and believe God lead people into their lives if that person is willing to follow them blindly and believe everything that they say….oh not to mention not put them out to much. If you have issues they need to be at a certain time of day and only last so long because they have other things to do and sleep is important.

I am not God and I am not their judge. That is for them to face when they meet God. I don’t know what he will decide and that is something that only he can know. All I know is this. I have watched too many people walk away from God because they don’t know him and people that do are bad stewards and show them a God that is not real. A God that wants perfection and that wants you to automatically change from one day to the next. That is not true, I believe taht it is a process and that we all find our way to him. But that has nothing to do with our hearts and our love for him or desire to be a part of him.

I’m still trying to figure all this out. And maybe it’s not anger, it’s heart break and pain. My heart hurts for Steve and what he is going through and it breaks that someone would treat him so badly in a time when he is so obviously in need of understanding and love. I guess I will go thanks for reading and listening.

Have a blessed day!!!!

Mother’s Day…and love

As I reflect on Mother’s Day…which is Sunday. It goes along with so many of the things that I have been thinking about lately. It occurs to me that God makes all of us in His image. Doesn’t that mean that we are all beautiful wonderful great people. Maybe some of us have more of one trait or another. There are some that are such a mixture of so many things that you wonder how God can be all of them. I have pondered this when I think about the differences between men and women, and the many very stark differences there are. But there is a place for all of these things. God made us this way, he made us different. He made us to compliment each other and help each other in life’s struggles and fears and to be together in happiness and fun. I am no better than anyone else, and while God chose me to be a strong women, that has a tremendous sense of fairness and truth. While others are given the ability to um…comfort and befriend(?) those that need it.
Maybe that doesn’t make sense….but there are some situations where my gifts and what God has given me will be of more benefit and there are some where someone else probably has a gift that is better suited to the situation. I am so thankful for these differences. Not that they are easy to live with or sometimes other people’s “way” annoys me. But it is truelly amazing the way that God has used His image to creat people that are so different and that have the ability to make differences in so many different ways.

As a mother maybe there are things I fail at. But I know this…I listen to my children. I know them. Their strengths and weaknesses and I do my best to try to help them learn and to know that who they are is absolutely amazing. I try to bring out their strengths and show them that there are so many good things about all people. I have two boys. I love showing them affection and love, and giving them what so many men dont’ have. I have no dilusions that at some point they will probably enter the “I am man” mentality, but my hope is that I will give them just enough softness, love, and compassion that they will be the best men, friend, father, and husband that they possibly can be. That they will treat people with respect and that they will take up and take care of the poeple that are around them. My daughter…my hope is that i will be able to guide her, like my mother has, and love her. To help her be a better friend, mother, and wife. I want them all to know God, not just the stories but know Him and trust him and seek Him for themselves. To ask questions and to not just accept what people tell them or what I tell them for that matter. Being a mother is a responsiblility that never ends. I will always fervently pray for my children. I will always pray that they will know God, that He will be real to them, and that they have a true relationship with him. This is the goal for all of my life…whether I fail or succeed is up to God to determine. But I will always be a strong women, with a compassionate heart, and a belief that God can and will see to it that the changes that need to be made are made…in His time in His way. This Mother’s Day I am thankful for a mother and Grandmothers that have taught me so much and have always loved me. I am thankful that in August I am going to have the chance to be a Grandmother, that my daughter is compassionate and kind, and wants to be a good mother. That’s half the battle right there. I am thankful that I have a mother-i-law that I can talk with and that is honest and open about her experiences and her life so that I may learn from it. God is so good and I have been emensely blessed in everything that I have and all the “mother’s” that I have ever met or will meet. We are rare and wonderful and God made us strong and good in HIS image.

Have a blessed day!

Tragedy

My sister let me know yesterday that one of the girls that she went to high school with had disappeared. There wasn’t a lot of information and there still isn’t. But apperantly sometime last night her husband admitted to accidentally shooting her and then dumping her body by a river where they live. This has really rocked my little world.

First, I didn’t know her personally, but I know some of her family members and our community is pretty small considering, and therefore things like this shake up the whole. Please be in prayer for the family of Micah Rine Pate, and also for the Pate family. I’m sure that whatever the curcumstances are this is a shock for them also.

I find it hard to believe that you can accidentally shoot someone and then dump their body, then call the police and report that person missing and it all be that easy to explain. I do not know this person or anything about him. But I don’t understand the mentality of trying to cover up an accident, if that is what it was. There are still few details. I can’t even find anything in any of the news reports. So I can only assume that as time goes on more things will come out.

Also I think it is somewhat benficial to have had him come clean and lead the police to her body. At least the families won’t have to live with the unknown. I’m pretty sure that that would be one of the worst things to live with.

My heart is heavy. I know that this world is aweful. That good people make bad mistakes and that God still loves and forgives us. It is hard as a human to believe that there is a way to be saved from something as bad as taking someone else’s life. I don’t know this person and I can not imagine taking someone else’s life, unless my life was in danger. And I am pretty sure that situation would effect my life in ways that I can not even fathom.

God is alknowing and all loving. i know that he  knows my heart and that I am saved through him. That although I fail on a daily basis, and that my sin is no less in His eyes than murder, he is still with me and beside me as I try to find my way closer to him.

I can have real conversations with him. I can be angry or scared. I can pour my heart and everything that I am and love into him and he will take care of me, hold me close, and give me peace. If I will let him.

There’s one last things that has been staying on my heart lately. God does not call us to be timid, but strong and to stand up for what is right and for His honor and glory. I do not always do this. But I know that when my heart is in turmoil and I feel lost that God is there. That when I say to someone….”no, you know what?…that is just wrong…and I won’t let it go” It seems that there are many people that tell me to let it go, or calm down, or back off. That’s not who God made me. He made me with a sense of fairness, the person that sees the people in a way that most people don’t see them. He made me strong, and loud, and opionated, and with insight into life and the people around me. I have often wondered if I am too open-minded and whether God would have me be more like some of the people around me and set in my ways and thoughts.

I still don’t know the answer to that but I do know this. The Bible is living and breathing. It is alive today and there is much we can learn from it. We are to examine what others tell us or teach us and we are to use the Bible to determine what it is that God wants and what His laws are. I have found the more I have ingadged my brain and used the knowledge that I have that there are many things that many people say and talk about that simply are not true, and are not Biblical, at least not in a manor that would have us adhering to rules that God did not set out for us. God wants us to use our brains to seek him, to find him, to love him and honor him with what he made us to be and what He wants for our lives.  I find that the more I seek him and the more I look at some of the issues that I have always been taught and have been grown up knowing that Biblically there are many things that aren’t what I have necessarily always thought. I am on my own in a lot of ways about a lot of these things, partly because a lot of Christians don’t  really examine these things, and people that may not have grown up in the church have what they have heard, what people talk about, and what culturally we are taught and told about God and being a Christian. I find these boxes sad, and wonder why we continue to put God in a box that doesn’t allow us to be truelly blessed and to have our hearts desires fulfilled by him.

I am not perfect by any means, but I believe that God is involved in my life, daily, hourly, by the minute and that he knows my heart, my hopes, and my dreams. He wants to give me the things that I desire and he wants my life to be full and happy. So there are times when I have to allow doors to be closed. When I have to grieve the loss of a person, or friendship, or what might have been and know that God has making my dreams and desires come true and sometimes having those fulfilled means that getting what I think I want may not really be what I want.

Please continue to keep the Rine and Pate families in your thoughts and prayers and allow that God will make this what it is supposed to be and what will bring him the most glory.

Thanks for listening to my big old rant!

Have a blessed day!

Action…

It is often easy to forget that sometimes there are no words needed and action will do it 10 times better.  This sounds dumb I’m sure…but I got this from my episode of Grey’s tongiht. I realize that sounds crazy, but if you watch it with the mind-set and an open mind you’d be surprised how stupid, fry your brain shows could possibly help and even show some really awesome things to you. Which brings me back to action….

I have often found that actions both mine and those of others have a much bigger impact than the words we say or the action that we don’t take. I continue to find this over and over. Whether it be in work, families, with children, parents, co-workers, husband, wives, friends. Actions can make or break any situation.

Someone can tell me they love me, but when they DO something for me that love is an actions. That love is feasable, and real, and mudane life, cleaning, doing laundry, or dishes. When someone does something that is “your job”, or your child kisses your head, or your your arm. When your friend remembers an important day or event and calls you or does something special for you. Actions….we DO things all day long. Why not make the things that we do count, make our actions one’s that will leave a smile on someone’s face, make their day brighter, or take something off of their probably already very full plate.

We can do things that make people cry, touch their hearts, and sometimes those actions can change someone’s life forever. You never know what it is going to be, and you never know what little actions can change someone’s life. I love to think about taking actions. I admit that I often fail on my thoughts or intentions. But I am working on that, as I get older I want to do things that are going to make that impact, that will change someone’s life, or make their day better. I want people to remember me, not because I’m great but because of my heart and the way I live my life. I know that they may not always know this…but I get this from God. He created me in a very special way, with a very big, special, loving and forgiving heart. The first time I ever remember being told I had a big heart a counselor at camp told me that I had a heart as big as Texas. It still makes me smile to this day. Sure those words mean something, but it was the hug and the look in her eyes when she said it that really made me feel good.

I will never be like anyone else, I will never be anywhere close. I am in my own catagory, just enough different in so many different ways that it makes me not even close to anyone. There have been one or two that I have met that come close. And there are many people that understand one aspect of me or another. But the way God put me together, I was made to make a difference. Maybe not on everyone but on the lives of those around me and the one’s I come in contact with. I pray that I will always remember that and consciously make my actions one’s that will allow me to make that difference. And I challenge you to find your strengths..whatever they are and take action….share with others and live life. Leave the mark that God made only you to leave on the hearts and lives of those people that are around you.

Thanks for listening.

Have a blessed day!!!!!

Who I am…

I have realized that who I am is someone that most people often find fault with. I know that I am not perfect and that I am not always in the right. It has come to my attention that I over talk people and that I talk to much. Not that talking to much is something new, or that I haven’t done it my whole life. But I have always just assumed that the people in my life that know me and loved me chose to overlook that in me. Plus, according to at least one person the main time that I tend to over talk is when I am saying something or trying to make a point that someone does not want to hear. I realize that this may also be what makes me undesirable, but I refuse to let anyone, especially that the people that I love surrender and stay where they are. I know that sometimes that makes myself and who I am difficult. I have accapted that who I am is so very different, and that where I live I am often very alone. But sometimes I would like to have something else. I have found that when I try to be different than I have always been and than what people know about me. They think there is something wrong with me and that I am not being true to who I am.

It is hard to change, and I am not in any way against change. But I have come to realize that just because someone wants you to change doesn’t necessarily mean that you should or that in the long run life would be better if I do. This is a hard thing to live with and to learn to deal with. It can be very alienating and it can leave me feeling very alone, and by myself a lot of the time. It would be easier to change, to be what people think I should be or want me to be. But I know that in the big picture that would be more wrong than anything. I have things to contribute. I can and have changed people’s lives, and in the end that is what I want my life to be. I want my children to see someone that loves and that learns, changes, and grows. And that cares more about what God wants and strives to find that, even if the effort is sometimes wrong no matter what the cost or how alone I may feel. God is always with me and he will lead me to being the person that he meant for me to be, and he will allow me to have the impact in my life and in this world that he meant for me to have.

THanks for listening

Have a blessed day!

An Army Guard Wife’s Tale

My husband has recently been in Iraq. It was one of the hardest times of my life. On top of him being gone there was family drama that compounded the problem. But I have realized that what I miss the most are the little things. Simply him not being here. Not going to bed in the same bed. Not knowing that that when I’m in one room he’s in the other. Or he’s across town at work. The simple things like, when we go grocery shopping, who goes, and if we all go together. The times when I say “it’s Daddy’s turn” to the kids. As much as we get bogged down and lost in the everyday. That’s what you miss the most when it’s gone. My husband is my best friend, I love him, I love talking to him( even if he’s not listening). I miss not having him around to leave a text message for or call when something big happens. It’s funny how for 5 years we would argue and get irritated, and sometimes seemingly easily forget that we love each other. I believe that I have been blessed, I don’t want him to be gone, but since there wasn’t a choice I believe I got the best out of it. I have learned that my love for my husband out ways everything else. That he loves me, even when I don’t think he does, or acknowledge that he does. I have learned that no matter what life brings we always have to remember that love is the most important. The kind of love that is a choice. The kind of love that allows us to surrender ourselves and give of ourself to others. Having spent this time away from my husband I have come to realize that above all else I should always do my best to respect and support him. Because whether we agree or not he wants what I want….what’s best ofr our family, for us, for me, and for himself. There is no greater joy than knowing that someone you love is coming home, and is coming home safely. Living with the fear of not seeing them again is something that not everyone could do. Much less keep going and deal with everyday life. All the while carrying that fear with you. There is no greater joy than the love that I have for my husband, and the knowledge that he will always be there and that we can get through anything together. It’s funny what you miss when you are forced to live life without the ONE that you love.

Without My Husband

One of the hardest thing I have ever had to do is live most of a year of my life without my husband. We actually found out almost 2 years ago now that he would probably be leaving for Iraq. When you hear something like that it changes things. You don’t live normally anymore. It’s always in the back of your mind that you are going to be spending time apart, and you want to make the most of that time. It was actually a year after the first call that he actually ended up leaving. I was thankful for that extra time. But looking back now, it seems that it would be easier if they got the call and then they were gone. At least then by the time reality sets in hopefully it’s almost half over. I have had a lot of time this year to think and to do things on my own. There are some things that I have done really good on. And some things that….well…..I have failed at myserably. All in all I hope that I have learned some things that will help our life together be that much better when he gets home. The hardest part has been being a single mother. I have help from my family, and I should have had a clue. After all I was a single mother of one child before I got married. But after a year, I am tired. I miss my husband. And if you have kids you know that it’s constant, non stop. Sometimes the quiet and peaceful moments I do get don’t seem to even scratch the surface of what I need. There are many things that people, that don’t have close contact with someone in the military, will never understand. It’s not just about them being in danger, or having to work terrible hours, or them not being just a phone call away. It’s more than that. They miss birthdays and anniversaries, family dinners, 4th of July, football games, school performances, parent-teacher conferences, and in some cases Thankgiving and Christmas. They aren’t just not here they are missing the lives of their children. They are missing things that they will never get back. They live so close to the people that they are with that tensions run high. Often they are surrounded by people they wouldn’t normally choose to be around, and therefore forced to tolerate things that may not be easy for them.

It’s about kids that ask constantly for their Dad. Where he is? And when he’s coming home. My kids are 9,5, and 3. The 9 year old understands, sort of, sure. But he gets frustrated because Mom doesn’t do games or play football or really know anything about that stuff. She doesn’t really want to go outside and toss the football around, and she’s tired so she bites his head off because he’s the oldest. The other two have very little concept of time and therefore just get mad when you say “No Daddy’s not on a plane coming home yet.” I never realized how much you could miss a person until I saw the way my kids act without their Dad. They want him and they miss him. They just want him to be in the house, they want to see him at the end of the day when he gets home from work. If you have never seen kids with a Dad they haven’t seen for a while, find someone you know that has someone in Iraq. Watch them when that person comes home. My husband was home for two weeks in August, and my kids basically forgot I existed. From the moment they woke up until they went to bed it was “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.’ No one wanted to spend time with Mommy and they didn’t even want me to fix their food or put them in bed. You can see the love that they have, it just overflows out of them and they don’t even have to try.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could all seek that love and try to capture it. To love and show our love for the people around us. The people that mean the most to us. I miss my husband…..but sometimes when he gets home I temper my excitement or my joy. Why? I guess because somewhere along the way someone got into my head and taught me that love is not loud and exciting and over the top. I have learned that love hsould be loud, we should always show the ones that we love just how much we love them. No matter what anyone thinks or says. We should love with everything that we have and we should let our emotions go. Let go of the fear and doubt and give someone the love that they may have been looking for their entire lives.

Without my husband I have learned that life is sweet and even the routine moments are precious and should be savored and locked in a special place in our hearts. Have a blessed day!

Satan’s Lies…..

Last night at church there were three people that mentioned people that had commited suicide in the last week. How sad? We discussed what the devil’s lies can do to us, and what makes people lose hope to the point that they would take their life. This concerns me. I’m sure there are times when all of us have thought “I would like to crawl in a hole and not come out”, and maybe even we thought we wanted to die. But what is it that makes someone so lost that they truelly believe that death would be better. Personally, I would love to go spend some time with God, but from my knowledge killing myself isn’t gonna get it. I have been listening to a radio station that plays christian music and no commercials, just uplifting stories and different things. They have something called “Make A Difference Monday” where they are trying to get it out there to do something nice for someone. Buy the person behind you a cup of coffee, or their meal, or carry their grocery bags to the car. It doesn’t have to involve money, but there has been more than one story told about how that one act of kindness has set in motion a series of events that end with someone that was going to commit suicide, not doing it. This is amazing to me. Especially the number of stories that I have heard that sound like this. It reminds me that God is ALIVE, and he is with us. That He loves us and looks out for us. It reminds me that even though the things we do may seem small, to someone else it may be the difference between life and death.

Despite what we may see and hear on the news, there are people out there that care. There are good things going on all around the world, and expecially in this country, everyday. We so often look at the negatives and we forget, or simply don’t see all the amazing things happening. Do I think we should be cautious, and concerned about our Nation and what is going on in it? Yes, I do. Sometimes I think that one of the devil’s biggest lies is to make us think that we are in worse shape then we are. We aren’t good enough personally, how could God love us? Our kids have problems, or our friends and we can’t help or we can’t do enough. So we aren’t worthy. Or we are broken and not fixable. We do the same thing with this country. Have you ever stopped to think about just the people on your world. How many of them are making bad choices, or are lost in some kind of sin? Do we just write them off and assume that nothing will ever change. I hope not. I also hope that when we think about the people around us we see love, and kindness, and compassion. SO many things that aren’t talked about and given equal time about on the news. Personally, I don’t watch the news. I have enough issues in my own world, not to hear about so much pain, hurt, heartache, and ugliness all over the TV too.

There are good people out there. That do nice things just for the sake of being nice. There are people that love God and that seek him and want to know what his love means and what he can give us. Everyday…well…I wish there was a statistic or a survery that told us how many good things happen everyday, in relation to the bad. I bet you would be surprised by the numbers. I know in my life I often pay attention and notice more of the bad things. But when I really stop to think about good versus bad, I think there are probably more good than bad. If we all try to remember and focus on those things maybe, just maybe, this country wouldn’t look so bad as we think it does. Maybe the devil’s lies won’t seep in so easily and maybe we will be able to help and save more people from the clutches of no hope and believing the only way out is to die. I sincerely hope that as we go about our days we will try to do some of those little things. We will seek to see the good in circumstances and in people. And we will see that satan’s lies stem from being negative. God is love! Shouldn’t we live our daily lives emerced in it?

Have a blessed day!

WOW…..

So someone posted this on their blog and I got it from there. I am dumb-founded, and a little at a loss. Just how much do we know…….and who has the power to sit and judge. I realize that this person probably has a good heart, and means well. And may not even have meant for this to get circulated all over the web. So here it is…and then I will add some thoughts:

Ten Reasons To Not Ask Jesus Into Your Heart
By: Todd Friel

The music weeps, the preacher pleads, “Give your heart to Jesus. You have a God shaped hole in your heart and only Jesus can fill it.” Dozens, hundreds or thousands of people who want to get their spiritual life on track make their way to the altar. They ask Jesus into their heart.

Cut to three months later. Nobody has seen our new convert in church. The follow up committee calls him and encourages him to attend a Bible study, but to no avail. We label him a backslider and get ready for the next outreach event.

Our beloved child lies in her snuggly warm bed and says, “Yes, Daddy. I want to ask Jesus into my heart.” You lead her in “the prayer” and hope that it sticks. You spend the next ten years questioning if she really, really meant it. Puberty hits and the answer reveals itself. She backslides. We spend the next ten years praying that she will come to her senses.

Telling someone to ask Jesus into their hearts has a very typical result, backsliding. the Bible says that a person who is soundly saved puts his hand to the plow and does not look back because he is fit for service. In other words, a true convert cannot backslide. If a person backslides, he never slid forward in the first place. “If any man is in Christ, he is a new creation.” (II Cor.5) No backsliding there.

Brace yourself for this one: with very few if any exceptions, anyone who asked Jesus into their hearts to be saved…is not. If you asked Jesus into your heart because you were told that is what you have to do to become a Christian, you were mis-informed.

If you have ever told someone to ask Jesus into their heart (like I have), you produced a false convert. Here is why.

1. It is not in the Bible. There is not a single verse that even hints we should say a prayer inviting Jesus into our hearts. Some use Rev. 3:20. To tell us that Jesus is standing at the door of our hearts begging to come in.

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock.” There are two reasons that interpretation is wrong.

The context tells us that the door Jesus is knocking on is the door of the church, not the human heart. Jesus is not knocking to enter someone’s heart but to have fellowship with His church.
Even if the context didn’t tell us this, we would be forcing a meaning into the text (eisegesis). How do we know it is our heart he is knocking at? Why not our car door? How do we know he isn’t knocking on our foot? To suggest that he is knocking on the door of our heart is superimposing a meaning on the text that simply does not exist.

The Bible does not instruct us to ask Jesus into our heart. This alone should resolve the issue, nevertheless, here are nine more reasons.

2. Asking Jesus into your heart is a saying that makes no sense. What does it mean to ask Jesus into your heart? If I say the right incantation will He somehow enter my heart? Is it literal? Does He reside in the upper or lower ventricle? Is this a metaphysical experience? Is it figurative? If it is, what exactly does it mean? While I am certain that most adults cannot articulate its meaning, I am certain that no child can explain it. Pastor Dennis Rokser reminds
us that little children think literally and can easily be confused (or frightened) at the prospect of asking Jesus into their heart.

3. In order to be saved, a man must repent (Acts 2:38). Asking Jesus into your heart leaves out the requirement of repentance.

4. In order to be saved, a man must trust in Jesus Christ (Acts 16:31).
Asking Jesus into your heart leaves out the requirement of faith.

5. The person who wrongly believes they are saved will have a false sense of security. Millions of people who sincerely, but wrongly, asked Jesus into their hearts think they are saved but struggle to feel secure. They live in doubt and fear because they do not have the Holy Spirit giving them assurance of salvation.

6. The person who asks Jesus into his heart will likely end up inoculated, bitter and backslidden. Because he did not get saved by reciting a formulaic prayer, he will grow disillusioned with Jesus, the Bible, church and fellow believers. His latter end will be worse than the first.

7. It presents God as a beggar just hoping you will let Him into your busy life. This presentation of God robs Him of His sovereignty.

8. The cause of Christ is ridiculed. Visit an atheist web-site and read the pagans who scoff, “How dare those Christians tell us how to live when they get divorced more than we do? Who are they to say homosexuals shouldn’t adopt kids when tens of thousands of orphans don’t get adopted by Christians?” Born again believers adopt kids and don’t get divorced.

People who ask Jesus into their hearts do. Jesus gets mocked when false converts give Him a bad name.

9. The cause of evangelism is hindered. While it is certainly easier to get church members by telling them to ask Jesus into their hearts, try pleading with someone to make today the day of their salvation. Get ready for a painful response. “Why should I become a Christian when I have seen so called Christians act worse than a pagan?” People who ask Jesus into their hearts give pagans an excuse for not repenting.

10. Here is the scary one. People who ask Jesus into their hearts are not saved and they will perish on the Day of Judgment. How tragic that millions of people think they are right with God when they are not. How many people who will cry out, “Lord, Lord” on judgment day will be “Christians” who asked Jesus into their hearts?

So, what must one do to be saved? Repent and trust. (Heb.6:1) The Bible makes it clear that all men must repent and place their trust in Jesus Christ. Every man does have a “God shaped hole in their hearts,” but that hole is not contentment, fulfillment and peace. Every man’s heart problem is righteousness. Instead of preaching that Jesus fulfills, we must preach that God judges and Jesus satisfies God’s judgment…if a man will repent and place his trust in Him.

If you are reading this and you asked Jesus into your heart, chances are good you had a spiritual buzz for a while, but now you struggle to read your Bible, tithe, attend church and pray. Perhaps you were told you would have contentment, purpose and a better life if you just ask Jesus into your heart. I am sorry, that was a lie.

I think there are many valid points here. And I agree. But there is no mention of baptism here, and there is no mention that we are all sinners and will never be perfect. It’s true that there is more to salvation than just asking Jesus into you heart. And it’s true that there are people that look to christians and use there sins to further their own sin. However, I think it’s more in the ways that christians present and live and interact with people that allows them to believe those things. The Bible promises that we will be pursecuted because of our belief in him. We live in an awesome country. In which we are free to believe whatever we want to believe and we can practice it without fear of death….for the most part. It would be easy to say that I have failed. I got pregnant when I was 17, and I had a son, and then I continued to live a life away from God….or at least not in line with what he wants for a long while. I still am there…I will still be there in 5 minutes, and in 50 years, if I live that long. The thing is when it comes right down to it we all fall short and the only way we are saved is thorugh Jesus’ blood on the cross. I will never be perfect enough and I will never do enough good or right things to make me worthy of salvation. But I have the love of God He lives inside me, and while I’ve made some mistakes, hopefully I have learned and hopefully I can show even one person what God can bring them. I hope I can do that by making sure that I don’t forget that I am imperfect, that sin is sin, and that no sin is greater than any other in God’s eyes. Whether it be divorce, sexual addictions, adultry, or lying, cheating, lusting, gossip. We will always fail and we will always fall short, but Jesus’ blood covers us, and we repent and we confess and we love God. We have a relationship with him and we love him and he will love us. We should never promise greatness for those that we show God to. But we do have a better life, our lives can be more peaceful, and we can have a purpose that is greater than ourselves. God will give us those things if we love him, and seek him. If you are someone that has asked Jesus into your heart, no that is not automatic salvation. And yes it is a lie. But if you believe in Jesus and the power that he has in your life than you are on the right path, and you are worth it, and you deserve to have what God has to give to you. There is a standard for living, but I will never meet that standard, so I can’t demand that anyone else meet it either. It’s about a change of focus and learning to see things through a different filter, one that you may have never looked through before. It is work, just like any other relationship, but it is rewarding and the greatest reward is that you will have eternal life, in heaven, at the right hand of God, in a place of honor, while others spend eternity in hell crying and myserable for eternity. We can’t even imagine that, so I encourage you to try to consider what that might be like. Something worse than the pain and heartache we have here on earth that last forever. I don’t know about you, but that’s not something that I want. And living the life that God wants me to live, even when I stray and get lost, gives me a reason to go on, and I reason to want to do better and to show the love of God. Even if it is only to one person. I hope that anyone reading this has the most blessed day! And if you have any questions or want to talk more. I would be more than willing to continue this topic.

Is the world as bad off as some would have us believe

So as I have spent more time rading the things that are posted I have seen a lot about….Is it the end of the world? Are only bad things to come?

Well,the truth is I don’t know. The only persom who knows that is our Heavenly Father, who is the perfect seat to be able to declare the end of the world. Here is what I do know. Although you won’t get it from watching the news, reading the newspaper, and often reading what’s out there on the web. There are still amazing things that go on in our world. There are people that give of their time, money, hearts, and lives to help not only those less fortunate, but those that they care about and people they know. In my ever so humble opinion it really doesn’t matter what this country does as a whole. I would prefer to be known as”the land of the free and home of the brave”, but more and more that is not how we are seen. Or rather there is a gap between what people believe. People are still coming into this country illegally, and many more come legally. If we as a nation are as bad as what some people would have us believe why is it that so many people still seem to want to be here. Aside from the obvious which is that we are all basically wealthy, we still have freedom. Many freedoms that many people don’t have, most importantly I can sit here in my home and write a blog about the God that I serve. I can say that there are good people and good things in this world, even in this country. The television, more specificly the news, has generated this inclination that the world and our country is bad, and worse than it’s ever been. I challenge those that believe that to look to the Bible, or really even just history itself to prove that that’s not true. God condemned homosexualiy because there were people engadging in that behavior in the old testiment, but not only that sex with animals, family members. Folks, we aren’t the first and we won’t be the last. Unless, of course Jesus comes tonight.

There were many other things that Jesus and God condemned in the Bible and it wasn’t just becuase, we are all sinners.We all have struggles and we all have temptaion in our lives. What is difficult for one may not be diffucult for the next person. Does that mean that one person  is more worthy than the other. I say absolutely not. As a christian, but really as someone that has a personal relationship with God I am angry and I am sad. God is so good…….I wonder about the reporter that goes to church on Sunday and then goes to work and day after day reports all the negative nasty things that we as Christians are capable of. Yes there are Christians that lie, cheat, steal, have abortions, struggle with homosexuality, infidelity, alcoholism, drugs, and everything else imaginable I’m sure. You know what makes me angry about that?

People use the things that I do to try to dicount what God can do. That makes me angry! I am not God! I am not perfect, and I may make some of the same mistakes tomorrow that I made today. But God loves me dispite that. He is with me as I try to change my life and my heart. I will never be perfect, no matter how many things I overcome. Just because you may not see growth in one area, doesn’t mean that there’s not somethign else in my heart,mind, and soul that has been altered eternally. Don’t use my failure as an excuse to continue in your sin, or to continue doing wrong. Ultimately, I am not your judge, God is, and He is the one that you will answer too. For those that think this world is in parel. I offer this:

Look around you. Do you see light and love, even from one person. I have you stopped and watched people. Has someone ever let you go in frront of you in a long check out line? Held a door opened for you? Stopped and helped you change a flay tire? Given of themself in anyway to help you? These may be small things but watch for them. You might just find that they aren’t as rare as you think.

For those of you that think there is no hope, I offer this:

My God is an awesome God. It doesn’t mean that my life isn’t going to be hard, or that there won’t be pain, or hard choices and decisions to make. It doesn’t mean that I will majically be perfect and never hurt anyone that loves me again. Or know everything there is to know. What is does mean is that I am saved, and although I fail daily…In the words of a Jeremy Camp song:

“But I hold on to this hope, and the promise that it brings. There will be a place with no more suffering. There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no ore we’ll see Jesus face to face. We’ll look unto you always.”

This is something that I can not even fathom or imagine, but I know this. God is here, he is alive, and this world is full of good things that are being done in his name. I can’t wait to meet him, and know him, and have him tell me that I have lived a good life and that my tears and my pain are gone. There is no greater feeling than to know that hope and for me a fast second is knowing that I had a hand in sharing that hope with even one person. So never forget to smile, because God loves you. Even through pain and hearache, he loves you. When you fail and do wrong, he loves you, and only wants to be asked for forgiveness from you. Take his offer, his hand…..and grasp the hope that there will be a day!!!!!!

And have a blessed day!

BLAH!!!!

So my daughter decided to wait till about 5:15 this evening to decide that she was going to go to sleep. Good news is she’s now in bed asleep. Bad news is I was holding her and therefore took a 2 hour nap. I’m sitting here trying to decide if I should stay up a little while or go ahead and go to bed. But I know I’ll hit that bed and lay there forever. So I’ve been trying to think of something to write all day, and as usual I think about a lot of things, but the passion just isn’t coming today. This is why, although I enjoy writing and occasionally think I can write. It comes ad goes, and when there’s no motivation and passion the writing just sucks!

So I will share this. We(my husband and I) bought a house in August. In going through all of my stuff that was packed away and in storage I have come across letters and notes that my husband has written to me over our 5 year marriage. This is not the first time I have randoml come across some of these, and everytime I do I consider the same things. The first thing being that my husband does love me and that has never changed or faltered no matter what we have gone through or the drama at the time. There are times when I get caught up and that is not so easy to remember. I try to make sure that I never forget that he is a good man, that he has a heart of gold. And that he deserves to be treated better than I treat him sometimes.

There are times when I have a hard time discerning between how to be supportive and continuing to grow in love and toward God. I am often confronted with situations that are not right or wrong but grey. Situations that I have no doubt that God has a “right” answer for but no matter how hard I try I can’t figure out what that is. My heart hurts and the only place that I find solice is in God and the knowledge that he knows my heart. I try to give that same love to my husband, I’m sure that I fail regularly, but I KNOW that his heart is good, and while he struggles to navigate the rest, he still deserves my love and support. The same way that he gives me his, and I’m sure struggles to deal with my insanity and constant thinking.

See in comprison I have probably written him 10 times as many pages as he has written me. I’m a writer and a talker, it’s how I process. Without these two outlets I am sure that I really would drive myself insane. I have often wondered if less is more, and if I should strive to learn to shut up. Honestly, there have been times that I have tried that approach. Often that approach is met with “what’s wrong with you?” or “this isn’t you”. So I have to wonder if it’s so bad. Sure there are times when I do need to learn to just keep my mouth shut. I am working on that. But on a whole my voice is part of who I am. I have things to saqy, I have an interesting perspective, and I have things taht can contribute and hopefully make a small part of my corner of the world better.

Maybe ti will work, maybe ti won’t but I don’t have it in me to give up. I guess I have my hope in God because one most things I can’t give up. I imagine better and I want better, more importantly I believe there can be better. The greatest thing I have learned from my husband is that what things may seem is not always true. Statisticly, we should not still be married. I am his 4th wife, I don’t think there was anyone that really wanted us to get married. In January it will be 6 years, and while that’s not a lifetime yet, we are headed that way. So I encourage you to look outside the box, and statistic, and the way things may look to see the people in your life for who and what they are. Even the ones that are furthet away from God are still loved by him and deserve the oppurtunity to know him and find peace in him. Thank you for reading my blah moments. Have a blessed day!

Sometimes Doing the “right” thing is soooooo hard!

Let me just start by saying that I love my family. I wouldn’t trade anything. I am being pushed and tested and growing. And those are all good things. I have 19 year old step-daughter. Well, that doesn’t sound so weird, you might be thinking. Until I tell you that I am 28. Yes that makes her almost exaclty 9 years younger than me. My husband is 12 years older than me. As you can imagine this has caused some challenges and issues. But I really am not here to talk about all that. Most of it is in the past and right now we are in a drama free zone. It has come to the point where her and I don’t speak. Well, she doesn’t speak to me. And her Dad has had to make the tough decision that because I’m not welcome, neither is he. I hate that for him. I want to fix it, but I know at this point I have done all that I can. I am hoping that there will come a day when he can reach her, and I will continue to love her and praqy for her in the process or forever, if the case may be.

But that’s not really what this is about. It’s about love and the right thing. I don’t know what the right thing is and it seems to get more complicated the more people that are involed. In my heart I feel that I should stand up to her anger and make sure that she knows that I love her and I’m not going anywhere. However, I’ve done that kind of thing before, and unfortunately it usually means pain for me in some way. I know that and I accept that. It’s just really hard to walk away. I don’t know what the right thing is, but for now I think it’s for me to do nothing. Which is hard for me. I’m hoping that this is one of my many lessons in patience, love, and the power of prayer. I have been in constant prayer about this situation. I don’t really know what it is that I want, for what I want will probably never be, but I know God has the power to fix it or change it. I have decided that no matter what I will stick to the plan until something major changes. I don’t really know what that is or in what form it will come, but I know that I will know when that time is here.

I struggle because it doesn’t “feel” right that my husband should have to miss out on things in her life because of me. In my head I know that the biggest thing she needs is time, not forever, but some real time to process and to think. And so do my husband and I. We have to learn somethings and we need some time together after he has been gone for so long. I guess mostly I just wish that things were different and I wish that right and wrong was black and white more often. It’s a lot easier to accept, even if you don’t lik it, if you at least know what is right or wrong. I will continue to pray about this and for anyone that reads this please send up a prayer for our family. Our whole family. Contrary to what many think or believe my husbands children are a part of MY family and that they have a place here with us anytime. It isn’t always easy and there are issues but that doesn’t change the love and commitment that my husband and I have to all of them. Thank you so much for reading and listening. Have a blessed day!

Love unexpected surprises!

So I did something that turns out it’s really good. Last month I thought that I read that my house payment wasn’t due until December, but then I thought surely not and the dates seemed to be mixed up. So I paid the house payment. Well, I got my bill and I checked online and my next payment isn’t due until January. This is such GREAT news. My husband will be coming home in a few weeks and we could really use the extra money.  I know it may be a stretch, but I believe God is in everything.  I was getting a little worried that I would mess up and we wouldn’t have enough money, but we will and we do, and I thank God for the little things. He didn’t sure anyone from cancer, or sickness, and money didn’t just end up in our mail box or anything. But we will get to spend time with Daddy and not have to worry so much about making payments or not having money for some small thing we might need. That is a really nice feeling, especially at this time of year when most people are short on cash because of the christmas season. We also already have all of our christmas done for our kids, so we don’t have to worry about what they are going to get, or what we are going to be able to give them. I am so thankful for all the things that we have, in money, but more importantly in our family. We enjoy being together and we do most things as a family. It is a special thing to have. The older I get the more I realize that having a close family is truelly a blessing.

That it is work, and that you have to do things to create the close family. But it’s also about the small things and doesn’t really require a whole lot of effort to get a BIG result. My family is very close, we all still live close to each other. At least for the time being, that may be coming to an end soon. But we spend holidays together. My kids have had the priviledge of not only having Nena and Papa(my parents) but my husband’s Mom, my grandparents on both sides, and my 2 sisters and brother. It is such a blessing to have a family that is close and that depends and does things for each other. There are too many families out there that either enable behavior that is not healthy, or just let their family get away from them. We should consider what a family means, and what the job of the family is, as a unit. It’s my job as a parent to try to teach and guide my children. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t have help, and I truelly believe that the more people that a child has to go to for support or just to talk to. THe less likely they are to make really bad decisions. Not that they won’t, they probably will, but if you have someone to talk to that you trust, that isn’t your parent, it’s easier. No matter how hard we try, or how open we are, there are just some things that kids don’t want to talk to their parents about. And as parents we shouldn’t have a friendship relationship with our kids(at least not until they are adults). Even then there should always be a respect for our parents. I admit that I haven’t done a very good job in that area. But I do thank and give the credit to my parents for who I am and what I am becoming daily. They have given me something that a lot of parents don’t give their children.

They taught us, well at least me, that God is a personal God. He loves me, and he wants me to do the right thing and be as good a person and godly person as I can be. But that I will make mistakes and he still loves me dispite them. My paretns did that, do that. They love me! There is no greater example of God’s love than my family. They have been mad and disappointed at times, and I’m sure they thought that I had gone off the deep end more than once. But they never stopped loving me, they gave me the space to find what I need and want and there is not a big enough thank you for that. They have always been there and willing to give advice when I ask for it, and sometimes when I don’t. Especially my Mom, but I trust her. I trust what she says. I have found that the older I have gotten the more like her that I am. I go to her for validation of my thoughts and feelings, but also for her to tell me what to do. Or what she thinks.

I am so thankful for everything that I have. And I LOVE unexpected surprises! They brighten my day and remind me that there is a light in the middle of the daily grind. Have a blessed day!

I pray this for all those that read this

I understood God to say,

'You need a miracle tomorrow'

so here goes...Prov. 29:25

You never know when God is going to bless you!!

Good things happen when

you least expect them to !!!!!!!!

Change the number in the subject box

when you forward it by adding one!!!

Dear Lord, I thank You for this day,

I thank You for my being able to see

and to hear this morning.

I'm blessed because You are

a forgiving God and

an understanding God. You have done so much

for me and You keep on blessing me.

Forgive me this day for everything

I have done, said or thought

that was not pleasing to you.

I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm.

Help me to start this day

with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.

Let me make the best of each and every day

to clear my mind so

that I can hear from You.

Please broaden my mind

that I can accept all things.

Let me not whine and whimper

over things I have no control over.

And give me the best response

when I'm pushed beyond my limits.

I know that when I can't pray,

You listen to my heart.

Continue to use me to do Your will.

Continue to bless me that I may be

a blessing to others.

Keep me strong that I may help the weak...

Keep me uplifted that I may have

words of encouragement for others.

I pray for those that are lost

and can't find their way.

I pray for those that are misjudged

and misunderstood.

I pray for those who

don't know You intimately.

I pray for those that will delete this

without sharing it with others

I pray for those that don't believe.

But I thank You that I believe

that God changes people and

God changes things.

I pray for all.

For each and every family member

in their households.

I pray for peace, love and joy

in their homes; that they are out of debt

and all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this

knows there is no problem, circumstance,

or situation greater than GOD!!

Every battle is in

Your hands for You to fight.

Pieces of me……will they all ever fit???

I’m not sure they ever will. I have been thinking about a lot of things. Like that I am thankful year round. I try to remember that life is short and tragic things happen all the time. So I better make sure that I let the people I know, know that I love them, and how much they mean to me. Which I think I do a pretty good job of….well sometimes. I know that my kids know that I love them. I tell them repeatedly, I believe those are words that never get old. And when they start randomly telling you they love you….like when they’re 8,9,10 that’s when you know it’s real. I don’t know about when they get older, my oldest is 10. But I would imagine the older they get, the more attitude they have, the more they try to find a mind of their own, the more that those three little words mean. I truelly believe that love is a choice and that we all have times where we are not exactly lovable, but we all deserve to be loved even in those times. This is where it gets hard for me.

I have a daughter Jessica(well she’s my step-daughter) she’s almost 19 years old. And I admit there are some major issues, always have been.  We had two really good years where we were friends, or so I thought. She called me and asked my advice about things, she talked to me, and she randomly even texted me last year and told me she loved me. After that my husband was on his way to Iraq and things got real bad, real fast. I don’t understand all of it, I’m not sure she does either. But long story short almost a year later I am lower than dirt to her and she says she doesn’t want me in her life and never will.

Before you say it, I know she’s young. There’s a good chance she will grow out of it. And my husband is very good about wanting to show and tell her that things are what they seem to be to her sometimes. But she’s not ready to listen yet, and I have no idea how long it will be until she is ready. Here’s what I’ve been thinking about….

In the past 2 months my husband has stopped and started talking to her twice. Ya, I know, mostly the teenager thing I guess. Plus it’s his daughter. I mean come on. I have no problems with any of this. I think my husband tries to protect me from the drama and so he doesn’t always tell me things. And he doesn’t really want it to be a big deal and he knows I will want to talk about it. I know that, like me, he doesn’t know all the answers and is doing the best he can. My problem is that I love her. Somehow things have gotten messed up. He knows that I love her, but somehow it seems that the two kids that he has adopted mean more to him than his kids do to me. I’m sure that’s not true, but that’s how it feels sometimes. I love my daughter. She is really an amazing person, and I know that she loves her Dad. Part of the problem is that to her I’m not family, I’m just an extra and therefore she doesn’t have to respect me or anything else for that matter. I don’t agree, I’m her Dad’s wife, no matter what she thinks of me I should at least get respect for that reason. Sorry….none of this is really my point.

I love this girl, like she was my own. The same way that my husband loves my son that he adopted. She’s my family and the fact that she has cut me completely out of her life hurts me. I believe it hurts just as bad as if it was one of my own kids that walked out of my life. I mean, of course, I can’t say for sure. My kids aren’t really old enough for that yet. But I know myself and I know my feelings. I am sad, and I have cried and I’m sure I will cry again. Having a relationship with her meant a lot to me, and not just for her Dad for me.

I don’t know what is going to happen and I have decided that prayer is the best way to go. God is the only one that can do anything about this, or fix it, and I have to give him time to do that. It’s not going to happen over night. But I feel alone in this a lot. My husband has a whole other set of issues and problems with this and I really don’t want to add to it by talking about it. But it does hurt, and I do think about her, and pray for her, and love her. Everyday just like he does. Even if no one cares or notices….least of all her.

I’m not sure if there’s anyone out there who can understand this. If there’s is and you read this please leave a comment I would love to hear what someone else has to say. Or how they have felt. I guess that’s about it. I could talk forever and still never really explain it. I have tried too many times, at the very least I should be able to explain it by now. But I don’t know how….I just know that I am sad to have lost her, and I’m sad that there’s nothing I can do to fix or even make it better. I’m not sure there is anything that anyone can do right now, except God. Thank you so much for listening!

Have a blessed day!

Find the silver lining….

Sometimes it’s hard to find the silver lining. But I am learning and trying to see more clearly the lining in even the hard things in life. My husband being in Iraq has forced me to look at some things. We have had the chance to talk(through instant messenger) a lot. I have realized that we really do have the ability to communicate, and even that we communicate well. I have also realized that it is emensely easier when you take the tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions out of the equation. I have realized that communicating is hard work, that you have to be very diligent and aware of things other than your words. I’m sure that I will fail, but I can’t wait to try to use what I have learned when he is home. I’m hoping that I will have at least learned one thing that will carry over. It makes me think of the times in the Bible where we are told to hold our tongues, or be careful what we say. A lot of times words just don’t cut it. It’s about all the extra stuff…most especially tone of voice to me. You can say the same thing angry and calm and get two totally different responses from another person. I am so thankful for the time that I have had to grow and learn about myself, and hopeful to keep my mouth shut, or learn that sometimes less is more. I can talk but I don’t have to talk “too” much. I believe God wants us to share iwth each other. He wants us to confront things and talk about them but there is a such thing as over kill. There comes a time when you have to let it go, or at least stop pushing. As humans sometimes God is the only one that can come into a situation. I am trying to learn this, and I am trying to realize that sometimes the words don’t even matter, it’s the actions that speak the loudest. I guess that’s really it. I didn’t really have anywhere to go with this. Have a blessed day!

It Would Be So Much Easier If There Was a Manual…..

Ya life would be easier! So would trying to do the right thing. I don’t know about any of you, but I find that it’s hard to find my “place” and my role as a women. I want to be the kind of person, mother, and mostly wife…..that God wants me to be. I have found that there are just one too many situations where the answers aren’t clear, and there’s not a black and white. Which leads me to wondering how we can ever do the “right” thing. What if there is no definate answer and I choose the wrong one. Does that mean that I’m not following God or that I don’t love him and want to obey him?

I don’t think it does. This is where I think that heart comes into the equation, and grace. God didn’t promise that life would be easy, and he did give us a book to go to that says “if this happens do this”, “if that happens, this is what you should do”? I know we have the Bible and if someone could point out where it can tell me how to be a good wife when my step-daughter hates me, and my husband doesn’t want to lose his daughter. But more important he wants to have a positive effect on her life. I know that there are generals…and that we should love and practice patience and understanding. But I have a hard time….

Often when I think that I’m doing something good and I’m loving and at least trying to do a good thing, that is the time when someone else sees it as totally wrong and in the evil world. I wonder sometimes if that isn’t a form of persecution. And is the fact that I think about that a symptom of being prideful. I don’t know! Don’t get me wrong, I in no way think that I am perfect, or anywhere near where I need to be or where God wants me to be. But there are things that I say and do that don’t seem wrong or bad to me but that others seem to find horrible. Like the worst possible thing, like I killed someone or something. I don’t know! Oh, have I already said that? LOL

I guess I just really wish that there was a manual. That there was some way to learn the things to do without constantly making things worse. I want to be someone that my husband can trust, no matter what happens outside our relationship. But somewhere along the line I messed that up. He shares with me, but he doesn’t always tell me things because he thinks I’m going to react badly. I do have my own thoughts and feelings about things, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t also be supportive of him. I am trying to learn to keep my mouth shut, and only give my opinion when asked, or when the right conversation comes up. That has seemed to work pretty good. There are some things I have a hard time with not saying anything about, but even those things I try to make sure they are the really important things.

I want to be the wife that God wants me to be. That God set me here to be. I just don’t always know how to do that. And I sometimes think that in my effort to be better I am actually doing more damage. But I have hope and I believe in the power of prayer. And I see small steps in the right direction all the time. I guess that’s all I can do…short of finding the illusive manual….

Have a blessed day!

Possible Answered Prayer….Faith of a mustard seed

Well, I don’t have all the details yet, and it will probably be a while before I know much. But hey…that just allows me to work on my patience and peaceful existance more…right? Anyway, it isn’t exactly what I thought the answer would be, but I’m hoping that what has happened will cause some good things for both my husband and myself. I’ve really been trying to keep my heart and mind open, and have been praying for all the hearts of those involved to be open. I’m not sure there has been much else to specificly pray for.

I have come to realize that sometimes the best thing we can do is NOT to put God in a box. Sure we have things that we want or would like to happen. But he knows those things, so maybe it’s best to just pray that he will make things better, or fix what needs fixing. After all if anyone knows it’s him, right? Well, I’m hoping that by not putting God in a box of my will there are going to be more answers faster than I would have imagined them. I don’t know yet. And it still may be a long time before I know. But I trust that He knows what he is doing and that in the end it will all be to His glory.

Sometimes things in our lives are just to big for us, even if we have God on our side. We just need to truelly let go, and let God. I’ve heard that a lot, but for some reason it has stuck with me lately. I tried everything, in every way I knew to try to fix this situation in my life. And when it didn’t work, even when I prayed for God to guide me. I decided that it would be best if I just waited and let him work for a while. And in a way that prayer has already been answered. Someone else has stepped in to try to help fix a seemingly very broken and beyond repair relationship. But maybe with God guiding this other person things will really start to change. And I just have to learn to butt out and let things ride for a while. Let this person try, and let God do his magic. (I’m sure there’s someone that’s effected by my word choice, but it’s simply the words that came to mind.) I know that God is amazing and that simply having the faith of a mustart seed can move mountains.

It’s amazing when we really take the time to ponder that. I mean really…think about it right now…….

Did you try to move a mountain? Did it work? Well, I didn’t feel the earth shake sitting here so I’m assuming not. Now, do you know how big a mustard seed is? If not goggle it and find a picture….it’s tiny, tiny, tiny. So if faith that same can move a mountain. Then imagine how small our faith has be to for that mountain not to move. But more importantly think about all the things that your faith can and has done…..all with a faith obviously smaller than a mustard seed. This probably seems really random and kind of crazy to some. But these are the things I think about. I wonder how I can feel like my faith has done so many amazing things in my life, and in the lives of those around me. Yet I still can’t move that mountain? So…..

Is this something you can ponder? Is this something you can even get your mind around? Isn’t it amazing the things that our Father and God is capable of. I fully believe that God has my issue in his hand and that the way that he sees fit, it will get fixed, it will work out, and it will be to his glory and the benefit of all involved. But it has to be in His time and in His way. I’ve seen glimpses it’s coming and it’s going to be awesome. Now I just have to find the patience to wait…

THanks for listening! Have a blessed day!

Not much

So my kids are driving me crazy today. I think they are tired….plus they spend more time IN the house because it’s cold outside  more often. We had some really nice days this week, but it’s cold today. So they insist on driving me crazy. I love them…they are great kids. But man they really try me sometimes, and I am so anxious for their Dad to be home that I am having a tough time dealing with it sometimes. Well, ok almost everyday at some point I’m like……aahhhhh please just stop. Anyway, enough of my complaining. There’s not much going on today. I have a lot of things on my mind. I stayed up till midnight hoping that I would go to sleep and not lay there. But no such luck it was probably after 2 before I finally got to sleep. Which really is not so good. Amazingly I’m not that tired today, but I am tired. I am having a tough day, but hey that’s not to unusual around here lately. I have been thinking how God works. Not that I will ever understand that. But it is so amazing. I can’t imagine how things can coem together so well, and how the things that we ask for always turn out the way they are supposed to. It’s like when people day hindsight is 20/20, which is true, but I think the truth is that God sees it without hindsight, and if we just learn to have patience and trust the things that are happening in our lives good and bed, we will figure out that things are going to work out. This is one of the hardest things that I have had to learn. Sometimes you just have to wait out the tough times or the hard situations and God will bring them back around. Or our lives were better off without whatever it is that we think we want, a relationship( of any kind), a job, a move, whatever. Even if what we get isn’t necessarily what we want, odds are we will look back and say WOW that worked out really well. I would never have thought that would happen. That’s the amazing thing about God, the more you learn to trust him, the more of these things you can see in your life. THe more times you find yourself thanking God for the trials or the difficult circumstances because you know when you come out on the other side you are going to be better for it. You know that you will be closer to him, closer to those around you, or be in a better place in your life. I love these thoughts. They sustain me. I am trying to find the peace that says, whatever this means, I know it’s for the good. I trust that God knows what he is doing, and he wants to bring things to where they should be and will give us those chances.

The hardest part is in relationships, when God does his part to bring that person to where they can see him, or should seek him, and they choose not to. We can have faith and God will provide, even for those that aren’t actively following him, but they have the choice of whether they want to see or change. Often I have found that we take this to heart and we think that our faith isn’t enough when someone we love turns away or doesn’t acknowledge God. I have come to realize that this is a big mistake. We take something away from ourselves when we take it on ourselves to be in control of someone elses salvation. THey have to amke that choice, we can help and we can pray, and God will do his part. But in the end they still have to make the choice and make God the center of their lives.

It helps with the state of peace when we remember this and learn that sometimes we need to let go, and sometimes we just need to pray. Have a blessed day!

Thoughts that plague you….

Have you ever had them? I seem to be a little bit obsessive complusive. However, I am getting better at not letting it effect my mood, especially when the complusion is of the negative kind. I can’t seem to turn my mind off. Especially when it is something of great importance to me. Like family or good friends. I know that I will never be all that I can be, that only Jesus’ blodd can make me whole and pure in the sight of God. But I hope that even with the constant failure I am learning and growing. I think that I am. I also think there is a difference between pride and feeling good about yourself. We are all God’s children so I think he wants us to remember those times that we do things that are really good. We should have humility, of course, but I don’t think it’s wrong for me to feel good about helping someone find their way to Christ, or steeping out of myself and doing something good for someone else. When there are things I feel good about it makes me want to do more good things, it makes me want to do more, do bigger and give more everytime I do the smallest of things. Giving is something that God wants from us. When we give we glorify him, so why shouldn’t we feel good about doing it. Why shouldn’t we search for things to do that will make us feel good. It doesn’t have to put us out, or burden us in order for God to get the glory for it. Even the little things God wants the glory for the raked yard next door, the taking care of a lost puppy, whatever you can imagine. Those things can be done to his glory. I am so thankful for all the things that I have. The family and friends. The good times and even the not so good times. I believe they make me a better person. I can’t wait to keep going with life and I hope that I will have the power to do some of those little things. I am so excited! Life I”m sure is just going to keep getting better, dispites the challenges it poses. God is awesome! And living life is wonderful….if we have to be here might as well do some good things, have fun, and make the most of it. Peppered of course with the confess, repentance, and sorrow that we should sometimes feel. But I for one have never believed that God put us here to be unhappy and myserable and just “make it thorugh”. He wants us to live life and to enjoy the good things this world has to offer until we find ourselves at home with him.

PS- As much as I love life! I have come to the place where I don’t want to die, but I”m ready to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. But that’s no reason to waste my life waiting to die.

Determining when to listen…….

So I have come to the realization that sometimes there are things we just can’t listen to. Or that people have thoughts and “feelings”,”gut instincts” that aren’t always accurate. Something was said that made me wonder if I live in a glass house. That what I think about my life and my relationships isn’t true. Or that I have no clue what I am doing. I know that I’m not perfect and that I have made some big mistakes. But I have always had ggod friends and people that love me. I mean I have friends that I have had for 20 years. I have had more than one person tell me that I’m crazy to listen to people that have only bad things to say about me.

In theory I believe that. I know that there are ups and downs, and that there are good things and bad things in everyone. So if someone only has bad things to say then at least some of them have to be wrong….right? Well, I like to at least consider that I might be wrong if someone accuses me of something. In this case I’m not entirely sure what that something is. At least not that’s so bad to make me less than dirt. BUt you know….I have to consider these things. I have to put myself in someone else’s shoes and see if what has been said has any amount of truth to it.

I am so thankful for these moments. They are hard and they aften hurt but I can learn things from all of this stuff. I can be better and I can be stronger and the next time I have the opportunity to make a difference, maybe I will do a better job. I am sad today. But I am happy too. I have seen a light, even if it’s a small one and I’m hoping that in time that light will get brighter. One day i will learn not to let things get to me so much, and I will see that there are things that just are the way they are.

Being different, even in a good way, is often something that people are not used to seeing. I have spent time around people that think that I am a hyposrite, but also have never seen the kind of love and support that I am able to give. They don’t know what I know. The reason is because of God. Not being perfect doesn’t mean that you can’t be different and that people won’t see that difference. I used to think that being different meant that people would like me, and that I could make a difference.

I now believe that I can make a difference, but that’s it’s very possible, if not probable that people won’t like me because they don’t understand or even really know what I have to offer. This is one of the hardest things to accept. This is not soemthing that we are taught. Sure we are taught that we will be persecuted, but no one ever says someone you love or really care about maybe treat you badly and not like you love them. But like you are against them, or have alterior motives, or are manipulating or whatever. It’s hard to come to grips with this and try to understand it. Maybe it’s not understandable, maybe it’s just something we have to pray about and hope that God will open those people’s hearts to our love and what we have to share with them.

I hope that everyone has a blessed day!

19 Days!!!!

That’s how many days are left until I leave to go get my husband. There’s a small possibility that it might be a couple days before that. But worst case it’s supposed to be 19 days. We are praying for good weather for his flights out of Iraq and Kuwait. If the weather isn’t good and they get to far off schedule he will probably only get a pass to come home for christmas and then have to go back to complete his debriefing…or whatever it is that they do. Anyway, I am so excited! It’s uneblievable. It’s like we’ve been waiting all this time and now it’s finally here. Although in my mind I know that 19 days is not to much time, it still feels like FOREVER. And even though the days pass and we keep doing what we need to do. It still seems far away. We bought a house while my husband was home for leave in August. I moved in in September, and have been working on getting everything together before he gets home. I was finished with the majority of it over a month ago. And now it is ready for him to be here except the normal cleaning and picking up and what not. I’m really excited I have everything in it’s place and every has a home. No more stuff all over the place, no more moving and having to pack everything up again. I am so excited for my husband to see everything that I’ve done. He likes for things to look good….I not so much. I like for things to be clean. But I’m a little conpulsive so I have kind of tuaght myself to ignore it, so that I don’t drive myself insane. Which I still do, but I had to do seomthing. Anyway, not the point. The point is it looks good, not so perfect that it looks like we don’t actually live here, but clean enough that it doesn’t look cluttered and messy. I’m so excited! I can’t wait for him to see it. I also can’t wait for him to just be here. I miss him so much and I miss the little things and I miss him just always being here. That no matter what we are together in this and things are going to be ok. Even when we don’t know what to do in situations, or all the right answers.

There’s entirely a poossibility that I might go insane over the next few days. I wish I could go to sleep for like a week, and then when I got up it would be time to clean and leave to go get him. That would be nice!!!

To bad I have 3 kids that need me. LOL. Oh well! I will be fine…I’ll make it and hopefully be stronger and better for it. I have good feelings. I think good things are going to happen in our life together, and in our separate lives when he gets home. It’s a good place to be. I know that we will be able to figure things out, and that in the long run our family is going to be better off for all the things that we do.

I know that God is going to continue to be with us, and test us, and give us situation that will amek us stronger. Oddly, enough I have gotten to where I enjoy those times. I enjoy that times that make me think, that make me step outside of myself and try to see things in a different way. To see what the struggles and issues in my life can do for me and my life and the impact that they can have on my life. Maybe that sounds crazy but I feel like if I don’t learn from the drama or the problems or issues then I’m doing both God and myself a disservice. I am thankful for this time that my husband and I have had to reflect together and seperately on our lives and our marriage and life together. Our family. I have seen a lot of things and I have learned a lot of things. I have found this place of peace. I’m sure that there will be times when it will leave me, but I know what it’s like now, so I know it’s something that I want to strive to keep in my life. That balance, that sense of this is not all there is, and in the long run does this thing or that thing REALLY matter. Most of the time I have foudn the answer is no. I f you love someone, does it really matter if they say they are sorry for something. Maybe they should, or it’s wrong for them not to. But are you going to stop loving them if they don’t? If you’re answer is no then I guess it’s just time to move on and not hold on to that thing that you think you deserve.

We don’t deserve what God has done for us. While we are to repent and be sorry, we often continue to make the same mistakes. God loves us and he forgives us. So we need to practice that in our lives. And it’s not about saying I forgive you, or I love you. It’s about showing it and practicing it. Even if the other person doesn’t know, or doesn’t care if you have forgiven them. Hopefully God will give you the opporutnity to show them what you have learned, but it’s not about them. I’ve heard this many times before, and I knew what it meant I believed it, but I never felt it myself. And I guess I didn’t really know what it was, until I started praying for peace and for God to heal the situation. I found that through paying for peace I was able to think about the situation and not be angry anymore. I still feel hurt and wronged, but not angry. I still feel like I am owed an apology, but it’s not necessary, and I can go on and love and be at peace because I know that God is going to fix this in the best way possible. It might be to bring this person back into my life, and give me the chance to forgive and show something different. Or it may be that in order for this person to get what they need from God it would be better if I am not in this persons life. I’m good with that. After all isn’t the most important thing that the people we love come to know God and spend eternity in heaven with us. Well, not just the people we love, but especially the people we love.

I have found that when I look at it from this side I can let go and let God. That I may not be able to change a life, but that he can. That he will put the right people in someone’s life to give them what they need and show them something different. I have seen it time and time again. It just so happens that up till now when it was important I was there to help guide. This might sound prideful. But I don’t take the credit I am just thankful that God gave me the ability to help and to show love and to give His love to people. I now realize that sometimes that is probably going to mean to let someone go so that someone else can show them who and what God is. I am thankful that I serve a God that will look out for the people I love when I can’t or when they won’t let me. That I can have peace and live my life and know that things are going to work out the way that he wants them to, even when I don’t see it.

Thank you for listening. And I can’t wait till my husband comes home……….

you never know what it’s like until that person is gone. Cliche? Maybe but it’s true and you find that things you thought were a little weird are true. I have found that all relationships should go through some period of time apart. It might sound weird. But you have to have enough time to realize what you have and what you miss. A couple days doesn’t have the same impact as a couple or few months does. Much less almost a year. Ok…..a year is way to long. I knew what I needed to know when he came home in August. But there have been other good things that have happened since then, and things that are going to make us that much stronger when he does get home. Point still the same….it’s easy to get caught up in the little things, or even the not so little things when you are there in the middle everyday. Not having someone close allows you to look at a lot of things in a different light and in a different way. And not only realize how much you love that person, but what that person means to you, and it has taught me that as much as I somtimes don’t see it. We have a great relationship, one that is beyond what a lot of other people have. One that is going to last and that is stronger than anything that can come into our lives and try to destroy us. Praise God for the ability to hang in there and to learn and grow.

Have a blessed day!

What is love?

Does anyone really know the answer to his question? I dont’ know. But I have come to realize that love is not a feeling. Or it is but, you can cause yourself to feel love if you want to. When you choose to be kind to someone, even when they don’t deserve it. When you choose to give of yourself to someone else. Those things are love and not only do others love you for that, but you learn to love in a deeper way. There’s a saying that says “if you love someone, set them free. If they return they are yours to keep, if not it was never meant to be.” Well, something like that…I don’t think that’s an exact quote.

For a long time I thought that that was talking about romantic love. I always thought of it when I broke up with someone I was seeing or had been dating, as a reason to think they may come back to me. The more I have thought about it, the more I have realized that it can be applied to anything, anyone.

My step-daughter has gotten to the point where she has banished me form her life. I am hoping that at soem point that will change. But I have found hope in this saying. I have found hope in the thought that maybe I wasn’t meant to be in her life, at least not in a direct way. Or not right now, and maybe someday she will coem back. I don’t have all the answers. I have no clue what is going to happen. But I have realized that I do love her. See….

I have always said that. I tell people that. My husband and I have talked about it. It’s hard for people who have never known real love to know it when they see it. Bu my husband does. He knows. It doesn’t make it easy for him to be in the middle of her and I. But he knows that I love her. And I have come to realize with this that my love for her is probably stronger than her dislike for me. I can pray for her, and think abou ther, and love her, even if she doesn’t know about it. She can walk out of my life, but she can’t take herself out of mine. There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think about her at some point, and say a little pray that she will be able to see my love for her, or at least how much I love her Dad.

See I do love her Dad. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. I want to see good hings happen in his life. I want to be a part of all the good things that happen in his life. I want to know that we are ok and that we are strong enough to make it through anything. That no matter what happens, or what he says or does, or I do. That I love him and that I am not going anywhere. I’ve told him that. I hope that he believes it. See there’s nothing he can do to make me stop loving him, no matter what. That’s one thing that other people don’t have control over. I can love them, even if they don’t want my love, or want me to love them.

It’s a nice thought, and I am thankful that God gives us that gift. I can be at peace, not that everything will be easy, or that my heart won’t hurt at times. But no one has control over my thoughts, and love, and prayers. NO one can take those things away from me. It’s a great feeling and it gives me a sense of peace that I have never known before. I don’t have to spend time worrying because I know that I love them, I know God knows I love them, and I know that He is going to take care of everything.

We serve an awesome God!!!!Have a blessed day!

This Made Me Think….

and wonder if it was true. I read a blog that stated that women in America basically emasculate men by making fun of them in public to the point that the husband gets mad and walks away, or makes a rude comment. I found myself thinking about this and wondering if it is something that I do in my life.
I’m sure that I have been guilty of this, however I think there are also times when this is just truth. There are things about men and women that are just funny. That basically across the board men and women do. We are different…and finding humor in that is better in my eyes than being angry or trying to make someone more like ourselves.
There are times that we can cross the line, where we don’t talk openly about things and I think this is were the problem comes in. As a culture we are trying to make men into something that God did not intend for them to be.
I am a firm believer that women are not invaluable and have a “lower” place than what men have in God’s eyes. But I also thinks there’s reason why men are to be the leaders, of the church and of the family.
Do I think this means women can’t lead?
Absolutely not!!! I was a born leader. I am smart and I know God and I have a relationship with him that I believe is valid and that deserves the right to be shared. Not only with women but with men too.
I have to believe that there is a reason that God made man to be the leaders. The older I get the more I think that it’s for their ability to be logical, and to seperate themselves from a given situation. It’s like their brains are compartmentalized, and they can put bad things in one area and they are not so effected by them. Does that mean they don’t have feelings? I don’t believe so, I believe it means that they can think easier without feelings.
Of course I speak in generalities. This is not the case for every women or every man. And that’s ok too.
I like the show Wife Swap..ya ya I know…let’s move on. Recently I watched a rerun where there was a great debate about a man being the one who stayed home with the kids and did house work(by his choice). I found myself wondering about that. I don’t think that it says in the Bible the man must go out and make the money. And I wonder if it truelly does make him less of a leader to stay at home.
I realize that for the most part, in our culture and society, that our answer is yes. But I’m not talking about what culture says. I’m talking about what God thinks. In the end isn’t He what matters anyway.
I have a great respect for a man that stays at home. I think it is possible to do this and still lead your family. Still be the head of the household and lead your family towards a better relationship with God. We have gotten to the point where society tries to say that men and women are equal.
I agree with that to a point. I agree that men and women can do the same things, and many people can do many things better than other, male or female. But, we have young men that take no responsibility for their families, their lives, much less their children, and I wonder if that’s not because we’ve taught them, as a society, that they really aren’t necessary for the world to keep spinning. I find this very sad.
If you have ever been around children much you can see this. I can spend my days trying to discipline my children and often I just end up fighting with them. My husband can come home and say four or five words and the kids scatter, or they stop talking, or whatever, and he doesn’t even have to yell. I believe it’s something in the man’s voice. Something about the male voice puts a fear in children. Not necessarily a fear of being hurt, but they don’t want to disappoint or let down the male figures in their lives. My Dad for example…he’s kind of big and scary. But on the rare occsion he gets onto my kids, they cry and get scared and it really impacts them. In a way that I never am able to scare them. I’m the Mommy, I’m the nurturer and the lover, even when they know I’m serious it’s still not the same as that male role model.
I have been around a lot of young men. There are many good ones, many that want to do the right thing. Simply don’t know how and we have backed our men, our husbands into such a corner that their impact doesn’t go as far as it once did. Sometimes there is an element of just do what your told. But most likely it’s not out of being inferior(as a women) it’s about it being the right logical decision that we are so often not able to make. I go with my heart.
Nine times out of ten if you ask why I did this or that, it’s because my heart said so. As I get older I am trying to use my brain more, but my heart still wins out. It is a gift something that was given to me, and something that I can not deny or supress. I have tried, it just makes me myserable. So I am trying to learn that there are times when I just need to listen to my husband and do what he thinks we should do. Not because he is better than me, but because he is using his head. It also goes the other way. We make our men feel like we are treating them like children.
If we want them to trust us and take what we say seriously, then we have to give them the space to prove to them that we don’t see them as children and that they can trust our instincts on things.
We have to give them room to be the leader and try to help them get there. There is a sense of satisfaction when you can stand back and say I had a hand in that situation. He trusted me and we’re the better for it. Plus, your children get to see their father shine. They get to see him stand up and do the right thing. They get to see you working together as a team. I believe this is so important.
Children should be taught that we are together in this. Not that man is better or women is better, but that together with trust and love we can make anythign happen. We will get closer to God, we will find a way to deal with the struggles of life. And most important that a relationship is about giving and taking, and about the man stepping up and doing what is right even when it’s hard or doesn’t make sense. And sometimes yes that means stepping out on faith and trusting that what their wife has to say is something that is valid and should be listened to.
Being a wife isn’t about cooking and cleaning and having babies. It’s about building your husband up, watching him become a leader and what God wants him to be. And helping him to get there with the kindest heart possible. Being a husband is about taking a stand and loving his family first before anything else, well besides God. Trying to lead his family to God and never giving up that God is there and that he will raise them up.
Just some of my random thoughts…probably didn’t word it well. Sorry. Have a blessed day!

Today is my Birthday……

And ya I’m getting old. Well so my best friend called last night to tell me. We’ve been friends for fifteen years. I have friends that I have had for 25 years…..talk about things that make you feel old. Well, I guess that’s ok. I have three kids and one is almost 10 so I’m getting used to the old thing. But I have a built in make you feel better. My husband is 40, yep you heard me right…..12 years older than me. It’s kind of good that no matter how old I get I will always feel young. I love facebook….I have had many friends send me Birthday Wishes that I never would have gotten if not for it. I thin it’s awesome. And I have sent many birthday wishes that I wouldn’t have even known about, and that’s a good thing. It’s one of the best things to be told Happy Birthday. Here’s the kicker….last year my husband was training to go to Iraq on my birthday, this year he is still in Iraq. But……guess what?
Yep..you guessed it. He forgot to tell me Happy Birthday! Not that he forgot my birthday, just forgot to tell me. In his defense he said he’s sick this year and had bought some medicine and probably passed out after he took it. But still I mean come on….
It’s ok I will forgive him. It’s not like there’s a lot going on today that’s not what I have done every other day for the last month. Pick up a kid from school…stay around the house taking care of the kids. Eventually go to bed and probably just lay there because I can’t get to sleep. Which really sucks. I am not usually a person that has trouble with sleep. I mean I love sleep. Getting in the bed is my favorite thing to do….getting out is my least favorite…especially in winter. But just laying there really sucks. I can’t get comfortable, and then I get almost asleep and hear a noise. I’m laying there at the minimum for an hour, but most of the time it’s more like 2 to 3 hours. It really sucks. I guess I’m ready for my husband to get home. I have a lot of adreniline thinking about it and being excited and no matter what time I finally get in bed I still just lay there.
On the plus side everyday when I get up we are one day closer, and I can’t wait. There will be hopefully several weeks before my husband goes back to work and that will be good time for both of us to recover and catch up and just be together.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Have a blessed day!

My Husband Should Be On His Way…

Home…that is. I’m not really sure what time he was supposed to be leaving. But he was in Kuwait last night when I talked to him and they are 9 hours ahead of us there. So hopefully he is on a plane headed to Germany or somewhere and then onto the United States. I don’t expect to here from him until tomorrow evening when he CALLS me. Yes that’s right calls me from a real phone…his cell phone…Yay! This is very exciting! I am hoping that I won’t hear from him, if I do that’s probably bad news. Something happend and they didn’t fly out like they were supposed to. My husband likes to laugh at me because I keep talking about how I’m having a hard time waiting. And he’s been sleeping on a cot for three weeks, and showers with other guys and there are always people around and in his space. Yes, I get this it sucks for him. I know that. I also think it sucks for me. I’m sitting here, and we got ice last night. So I have three kids home today instead of two, and no where to go because I refuse to drive on the ice. 

Not that I can’t….I grew up and learned to drive in Colorado. I know how to drive on snow and ice. However, most of the people down here don’t and therefore the roads are a dangerous place.

Anyway, so I’m bored and I am running out of things to do. My house is clean and basically ready for him to get here. I have 3 and a half days to fill and two loads of laundry to put away and one load of dishes that will need to be done. But other than that we’re basically good to go. So I sit here bored while he is at least doing something. Maybe not what he would like to be doing…but still something. Or waiting to do something, like fly home. That’s exciting and he’s moving towards being home, and I’m still sitting here waiting for him to get home, and get done so I can go get him.

Ya this is me rambling. It has been the longest probably three weeks of my life. This whole year has been long, but the last three weeks to month have just been bad. Even though the time has gone by and we’re now at the end, it still seems to be moving exponiantially slow and like it has taken forever to get her. 

I am so thankful for everything that I have been given. I hope for good things, and I pray that time will start to heal some of the hurts that our family has had. My step-daughter is now speaking to me again…well sort of. But it’s a step in the right direction, I hope. And she told me her baby is due in August. She’s excited and I hope that she will be able to carry this baby, and learn what it’s like to truelly be a mother and to have that bond. It could go a long way. I continue to pray for good things and for healed hearts and I hope that’s what God is going to grant for us. I have faith that it will work out for whatever he has planned, and I hope that I have the insight to try to see the good in his plan instead of my selfish wants and desires.

Thanks for listening! Have a blessed day!

It’s been awhile…I guess my inspiration has returned

Hey all!

Well, it’s been a long while. Mostly because when my husband got home I kind of forgot….well not really just didn’t have a lot to say except that I’m so glad he is home.

So here’s what’s been going on. My step-daughter is still pregnant, almost 12 weeks. She has been down three times since her Dad got home and all of the visits have been pretty good. I know that it may never be perfect, but maybe she is starting to see me. Who knows but I’m thankful for the time together, and the oppurtunity to be a grandma, even if I am young.

It has been hard for my husband since he has been home. Things are the same but different. I don’t understand all of it, but his friends do and he’s trying to figure it all out and get adjusted.

A little more than a week ago one of my husband’s buddies that was with him in Iraq died suddenly from what we believe was an accidental overdose. It sent shock waves through their unit and my husband’s group of close friends. It was sad to watch them. But it was also amazing because…..they are a family. Only it doesn’t even seem like that….it seems there’s not a word for what their relationship is. It means so much more than what a lot of families have.

I am so encredibly thankful for these men and for their ability to pull together and take care of each other in a serious and sad situation. Something that I believe most of us….even if we have dealt with death have the ability to do.

 

I’ve been doing a lot more thinking lately. And trying to figure out what I want and what everything means to me.  It seems so simple and nice. It seems like things are good and no matter what happens I will be able to deal with it in a way I have never been able to deal with it before. I don’t know what has happened. But I’m not plagued and torchured by my thoughts and the circumstances in my life that I have no control over. I know that God has them in his hands….and more than that I think that for the first time I truelly believe that and am focused on the fact that in the end…..most of this stuff isn’t going to matter. I need to get to heaven and I need to take as many people as I can with me. I can only do that by keeping my heart on him, and by allowing him to use me when I can do the most good for Him. And if that person isn’t me in some situations then I have to trust that He will put someone in my loved ones life that will be able to bring Him that glory. I’m not sure that makes sense….but it does in my head…LOL

Anyway, I’m going to try to write more again. I have gotten back on my deep thought process. And I like having the options to get it out. And maybe even through my rambling help soemone else that may need uplifting or encouragement or just to know that God is there and He is love. He takes care of His family and those that love him in a way that a lot of people don’t understand or look for.

I wrote this yesterday….thought someone might enjoy it…

 

Things in my life are really rather good right now…..
Last week Chad got paid his travel pay for the military….and all of his friends haven’t gotten it yet….
is that God with us???
I belive it is????
They all filed out the paper work at the same time…..
we got the money now..
they didn’t…..
I’m not the judge…
all I know is that for us…..it’s God’s gift

I am far from perfect…and I fail regularly…but God had shown His love to us….to me…to Chad

We have been blessed……I can’t be God….
but I belive that it’s because we are both after God

we aren’t in the same place with it…..but our hearts are after God……

I’m scared……I want my kids to know God…but more than the stories and the RIGHT answers I want them to KNOW him…….
I know God….I believe in Him and I know that HE has the power…….
I love God…I know Him…I believe my kids will know Him if that’s what I teach them……..

God is LOVE…..God is LIFE……and it’s about finding that in your heart in your life……..

No one can do it for you…..
God has blessed me…… and I can’t wait to have the oppurtunity to share that with someone else….

no matter what else is going on in their life….

God is love

God is life

God makes the differnece…….

In Jesus Name I Pray

Amen
 

Thanks for reading…have a blessed day!!!!!

God, Church, Learning

So I’ve been thinking a lot about God and teaching my children about him. That I want them to know what I know and that I want the Bible to be something that they love and enjoy and want to know about. I’ve also been thinking about going to church. I guess there are probably good excuses in my head for reasons why we don’t go. But the truth is I just don’t want to and I don’t believe that I am getting out of it what God created it to be.

I understand all the arguements and that God told us to fellowship and be with Christians and people that share our beliefs. I believe that’s true. I think he wants those things for us. My problem is that there are few people that share my thoughts and there are even fewer people that are as open as I am. This poses a few problems for me.

#1 I want my children to think for themselves and look to the Bible, not just believe what someone at church says is true because they are supposed to know more.

#2 It’s hard for me to sit in a pew and hear someone make a salvation issue out of something that isn’t a salvation issue. And in essence condemn me because I don’t agree. ( In defense they don’t actually condemn me…but if you are saying you believe using instruments in church is wrong and I disagree…in essence aren’t you condemning me.

#3 I’m not sure the God that is talked about at church is the God that I want my children to know.    I have no doubt that the people at church, or some of them, know the God that I know and are as on fire as I am in their hearts. But I guess I just don’t see that very much.

When you sit in a class and get excited or blown away by something God has to say and everyone else just sits there, because what???? it’s the way we are supposed to behave. That’s hard for me. I’m not saying everyone should be like me…I’m a little over the top, I know that. But still shouldn’t I be able to be on fire for God, in whatever form that might be, and not worry about what people think or how they are looking at me.

Maybe that’s my problem. And maybe it’s because at a young age I had people trying to put out my fire..whenever they could. Granted my fire isn’t always as good as it can be, but I can learn to control it, and I can learn to use it in a good way. It doesn’t have to be suppressed or push away.

I love God. I love my children and my husband and my family. Sometimes I cry just because I love them. Most of the time I smile just thinking about them, and how much I love them. I get excited when I think of doing fun things. I like to wrestle with my kids on the florr and see them laugh. I love talking to my three year old daughter that has two boyfriends…LOL…who also happen to be 20 years older than her. When her Daddy told her O’bryan couldn’t be her boyfriend anymore and she started crying it made me cry.

She talks to me about God. She told me one time God didn’t love her. Of course she was wrong, but she has to be given the option and room to make those statements without judgement. And of course she’s 3 so the next day God loved her again. But we talk about him. In real terms, in relation to real life. Not abstract, not a person that was here a long time ago in the Bible. We pray every night and sometimes she prays for crazy things. But isn’t that what God calls us to do….be like children, love him like the children do. And isn’t it just possible that that means we thank God for our toys, and pray for our baby dolls, and for Mommy’s that share our head bands and wear them.

Somewhere we get lost and forget that God wants to be excited for us. He wants us to thank him for even the littlest of things. He wants to share in our lives, like a best friend, or a husband, or child would. He wants to give us what we want and need, and he wants us to be happy. We can do that dispite the fallen part of this world. We can have things and enjoy life here with God’s blessing, and as long as we know and long to go home to him.

There are many things about this world that I enjoy. The thought of leaving my husband and my children if I die today is a hard thought to have, but in the end I know I’m going to Heaven and I want to be there. And I pray that if I die today I have done my job in getting those that I love the most closer to Heaven and that I will see them again. And I trust that if for some reason that doesn’t happen that Heaven is a place of no tears and I won’t feel the pain of knowing that someone I love didn’t choose to live a life that would have them be in Heaven with me.

That’s a little blunt and out there. But it’s what I think and it what helps put my heart at peace. God has this people…he doesn’t need our help and He alone is in control.

Which leads me to this….

It’s no one’s job but mine to teach my children. I’m still thinking about church…no decisions yet. Probably won’t have one soon. But while I’m thinking about it. I’m going to pull out my kids children’s Bible and probably go buy another one and get some papers and stuff from the Bible store, and we are going to read from God’s word and have Bible studies in our home regularly, if not everyday. They want to learn and it’s not the Bible class teacher’s job to teach my kids about God. It’s my job and if I want my kids to know God the way I know him and love him in a way that will change there lives I have to teach it to them. And help them work through and talk and think about and come to the place of peace by themselves. I can’t give it to them no matter how much I take them to church. But I can be a mother that helps them, and teaches them, and listens, and shows them. And then I can let God have them and trust that he will put on their hearts what I already know.

Thanks for reading!

Have a blessed day!

Can’t explain….

I can’t tell you what it feels like to have my husband home after being gone for so long.

We sit here and we watch tv ot play on the computer and it feels good. I know he’s here and I know he’s safe. We go to bed together. There is nothing like that. I don’t know about others but I took that for granted. That no matter what we would go to bed together. We have the rule….the bed is neutral…..even if we are mad or fighting the bed is neutral. We go to bed together every night….and have for 6 years. Unless one of us physically isn’t here….on vacation, in Iraq, on an over night meeting…we go to bed together. I believe in this…I believe everyone should do this. It teaches you to love, even when you don’t want to. Even when you don’t feel like it. It is love!

I am so thankful for a husband that understands that supports it, and wants that as much as I do.

I’m so glad he’s here, i’m so glad he’s home. I wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything, any money, ANYTHING!!!!!

thanks for listening….

have a blessed day!!!!!

Well….

It seems that I have some heart issues to contemplate. I sit here this morning with my daughter watching Little Einsteins. The husband and 5 year old are asleep and the 9 year old plays his game. Although he should still be asleep too, he was up late.

Anyway, it seems that my husband and I have some discussing and serious talking to do. I’ve been avoiding it because he just got home from Iraq and he’s been struggling  in just readjusting to home and not being in a war zone. It’s really kind fo funny. We actually have really good ocmmunication at times, but it seems that we just don’t have to ability to communicate on a regular basis. Well, I don’t know if that’s true. It’s actually very strange, but it’s good in a lot of ways. We have some things to talk about though. I’m not sure that I’m going to want to hear some of the things that he has to say, and I’m fairly certain that there is more than one thing that is my fault. But I want us to be able to have conversations without ruining our day and taht don’t cause us to fight. Wow that probably sounds bad.

I guess I don’t know what I mean. It’s not that we dont’ talk, we do. I love my marriage and my life and my husband. We just tend to avoid things sometimes. Or we each think about and deal with things seperately instead of together and I want to change that. I’m not sure how to do that as he is for the most part a non-talker. He wants answers, easy answers and answers questions with short easy answers. That’s hard for me to accept. I’m working on it, but it’s not the way I am and therefore is difficult for me to get it, I guess.

And since I have completely wasted time and space doing this and really said nothing. I will go. Maybe I will email my husband and tell him some of my thoughts.

Thanks for reading.

Have a blessed day!

Wow……..Life

It seems that the older I get the fewer and fewer answers I know. I’m sure just about everyone says that. But, it’s true.

My husband and I got in an arguement the other day. He’s really hard to read and sometimes it doesn’t even seem like he cares at all. I know that’s not true in my head, and we have kind of found a way of relating and living that works for us. It isn’t necessarily what I would choose but it’s good, and for the most part it probably makes me stronger.

That doesn’t mean that it’s not still hard sometimes. It seems that he finds me annoying. That I talk to much, and ask to many questions. This is probably true, it’s not like no one else has ever told me that before. And honestly I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t want to talk to me. He just kind of wants me to read his mind. Assume that when he answers with a yes or no or maybe that I know what’s going on in his head and his reasoning. You see I like to know the reasons for things. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be something that he spends a lot of time thinking about. He might know the reasons but often they are not something he can put into words when asked, and then he just gets frustrated. I guess because he thinks that I am second guessing him or that I don’t like his way and want to do things my way. There is nothing that could be further from the truth. I would actually prefer to do things his way, I just want to understand what his way is. I feel like a child when I get told what is going on or what we are doing. If I have the reasoning I can be on board with the decision and even help to make the decision take better effect, if that makes sense.

I love my husband. I wouldn’t trade him. I would choose him again, or rather I choose him now. There is nothing that I want more than to be with him and share my life with him. I want to be able to share my struggles and issues with him. It’s not that I can’t now it’s just that I ponder things a lot more than he does. Or rather I have the need to talk about them more than he does. He figures things out in his head and then makes a decision. Not much need to talk about it. I need to talk, if I don’t talk I make mistakes and do stupid things that I regret. My emotions over load and I can’t make my brain work anymore. I think I do better now than I used to but it’s still something that I have a really hard time with.

I wonder if everyone has these moments. The moment where you stop and say wait a minute is this what I want. I wonder if every couple have moments where they say this isn’t the way I would do it, but can also realize that the method you have come to works as well.  What my husband and I have works. We take care of each other we support each other. We can talk about things and we do when it is necessary. It’s just different from what I would do if it was me. But I realize that this is good. It’s the way it’s probably supposed to be and it’s the way God made it.

I just have to find a way to remind myself of that and embrace it and learn from my husband and let him show me somethings that I probably need to learn. And I need to remember that before I lose my mind and make a mountain out of a mole hill when things get busy and stressful and messed up in our lives.

Thanks for reading

Have a blessed day!

Again….I’m a slacker…

Sorry…I made a trip home to Colorado last weekend and it’s a long 16 hour drive one way. So it’s taken a few days to get readjusted. Plus my husband built a room onto our house while we were gone and we’ve been working on getting our house back together. I’m really excited about it. It looks really awesome.

We also went to church last night. I’m still not sure where I stand with everything. But the church we went to I believe has potential and could possibly be ahome for us. Only time will tell, but I have a good feeling. I have to say thank you to my friends that just told me I have to do it.

However, our class last night was interesting….it was about worship and that there has to be truth and spirit in our worship. Spirit being our attitude orr mindset towards God and the worship of him. It was absolutely awesome to me because that’s almost exactly what my struggle has been. And I realized that I haven’t been wrong. My spirit and truth have been pretty good even without attending a regular service. And although they aren’t in person visits…I regularly chat with and talk to friends about God and what he wants for us and our life. And sometimes I think these friends hold me more accoutable than anyone else could because they know me, even if they live in other places. Plus there’s my husband and I hold myself to a higher standard with him. I fail…a lot. But the standard is there.

I was thankful for this lesson. It made me feel good to be at this church, and it made me feel better about my aversion to church at this point. I can still worship God, and I can still love him and have a relationship with him because I have spirit and truth in my worship.

The point was also made that if we are just going through the motions because we know what we are “supposed” to do, that is not what God wants. He wants us to listen to the words of the songs, to listen to the prayers. To be focused and centered on him and not let our minds wander because our actions are what they are supposed to be. Not sure that makes sense, but in essence it is what I have been struggling with.

I don’t like the same old same, I like to get to that deeper level and talk about things that are real. I want people to know that this has been a struggle for me and that I am looking for a place to call home and a family. That that is what I want and that I’m in it for the long haul.

I am honest and I want to share my thoughts and struggles and I want to hear those of others. Because I need help but also because often I have found that by listening to others I find my issue may not be as bad or as abnormal as I thought it was. For instance…I have talked to several people who have seperated in their marriages, and have talked about the fights that they have had, and the extent to which their marriage at one time was really bad. And I have found that my husband and I…for the most part are ok. We have issues of course, and we struggle, but we have never been seperated, never even discussed it. Although in all honesty at one time there was talk about someone leaving. That probably doesn’t make sense, but even in the talk in anger we both stayed and went to bed in the same bed, and got up[ the next morning and started again. It was probably never really going to happen. And we have gotten to where if we aren’t serious about leaving why say it, and for the most part we don’t. There have been moments where we’ve failed and gone back, but we do our best to hold each other accountable for not saying it if we’re not going to follow through. Anyway, that wasn’t the point. I wouldn’t have that perspective if I hadn’t talked to friends and Christian people that have had struggles and figured out how to make things right.

 

I am encouraged and brought up by these things and while I hurt for their pain, I am thankful that God has put us all together for this purpose. To learn and to share our lives without judgment and with compassion for each other.

Thanks for listening. Have a blessed day!

So here’s my scary thoughts….

I’ve been thinking about what it must be like to be God. I enjoy watching my children and sometimes laughing at the things that they say and do…and even occasionally the mistakes that they make. I wonder if God does the same things with us. I know that we are here to Praise God and follow Him. I debate non of that, but sometimes I wonder if He was just bored and that’s why he created the world. I mean is there really another point. I don’t know if there is, but that’s one of the things I am excited to ask him about. I wonder if He laughs and gets a kick out of us and our messes sometimes. I wonder if He shakes His head and says well they will learn…I hope.

We have an amazing God and I am so excited about living this life and finding all the amazing things that He has to offer us. Sometimes I try to picture nothing….or what Heaven is like. It’s funny there are things we as Christians argue about that we could never possibly know the answers to. I wonder why we waste so much time and energy on those things.

Just living life is amazing…I’m not saying there isn’t room and shouldnt’ be a place for repentance and contrition. But it’s been about God’s love and His desire to give us what we NEED…not necessarily what we want although what our needs are often surpass what we think we want or need. I have found that when I choose not to put God in a box his power is so much greater. When I choose to ask for more general things….well…..maybe that’s not the way to put it. I’m not really sure. I just know that when I give God the power to do what’s best for everyone, often that turns into something better than what I really wanted to begin with. I’m so excited about that and in the future when I have tough decisions and situations in my life my hope is that I will keep my head and remember not to put him in the box.

I hope that everyone can be encouraged by this. Thanks for reading. Have a blessed day!!!!

Excitement……

So my daughter is getting married in a little over a month. She asked her Dad tonight if he still wanted to walk her down the isle. Well….ya…of course he does. I’m sure that it’s going to be beautiful. She has a lot of planning to do and a lot of things to get together. But she has lots of help and many people that are excited to be helping. I’m happy for her. I’m sure it won’t always be easy, but I know that this is something that she has wanted for a long time, and I know that she is going to be a great wife and mother. She made a decision and now I think she is kind of over-whelmed with all the things that are going on and all the planning that she has to do. But it’s good, it gives her something to do, and it’s giving her a chance to do something for herself. I can’t wait to be there to see her get married and I am so thankful that she is a part of my life. I have learned a lot from knowing her and being around and with her. And I have no doubt that I have more to learn. Most of all I am just thankful that I am going to get the chance to be there and witness her starting her life with her new husband and everything that that means in a girls life.

On another note my husband will be going back to work in about a week. It’s going to be weird after having him here for two months, and it’s going to be a big adjustment for the kids. I’m sure we will be able to handle it and take care of it but it’s going to be a change for us again. Hopefully it will be one of the last really big changes we have to deal with for a while. Not that him and I can’t deal. But the kids have had a hard time and even now when Daddy is gone for a few hours they ask where he is and tell me that he’s taking a long time. So they still have some issues with him being gone for a year. I know they will be ok. I’m just ready to get back to some kind of normal and have things go well.

I took my 5 year old last week for a speech therapy evaluation and he needs help with pronouncing some letters in his words and stuff. But I also found out that he tested of the charts in language comprehension. Like a 12 year old level. That is so awesome. I was so excited about that. I think it is such a blessing when kids start doing testing and learning. It’s nice to know that they are smart, even if you know they are. My 4th grader got to take a test that only a handful of kids get to take each year. It’s like a state standard test or something. But it was really awesome to have proof that he is as smart as we know that he is. Maybe that doesn’t make sense but I love to hear people talk about my kids. That they are smart, but also when they tell me that they are sweet or good kids, or whatever. It makes me feel good and it gives me hope that in some way I am doing something right and my kids will grow up to be awesome people.

I guess that’s about all my news. I could go on and on about some other things, but my mind is still kind of racing about them so I need to get my thoughts together before I try to write about them.

Thanks for reading. Have a blessed day!

Church…

Well my husband and I and our kids visited a different church than the one we have been going to about a week and a half ago. I was very encouraged. I actually got two phone calls from people inviting us to come back and telling us that if we needed anything to let them know. I thought that that was awesome. It’s not a huge church, like so many of the others in the area, but it is big enough that my kids will have at least a few kids their ages. Which is something that I really want. I don’t necessarily want them to have a bunch of people at the church we go to, but I would like for there to me more than like 2 kids. It’s something that is important to me. I think we are going to keep going to this church for a while. My husband says he doesn’t have the same issues that I have. Which is good in a way because that makes it kind of up to me.

This is an issue I have really been struggling with. It’s been on my heart a lot and it has been to the point that I haven’t wanted to go to church. Not because I don’t think about God or try to live my life to His glory. But because church has become such an institution. I have written about this before….and I have had several conversations about this with some friends. The general consensus has been to just go because you’re suuposed to and the rest will come. I’m still pondering that statement, but my instinct is that is a load of crap.

We are supposed to go and WORSHIP God, not sit there and think about everything but him because we don’t really want to be there. And in this society I am very connected. I speak to a close friend almost daily, and we talk about everything. So if the arguement is fellowship and spending time with people that are like minded. I have that. I realize that this is probably a way to justify. But it truelly is not that I am against church and just don’t want to go. The truth is I want to be able to go to church and say…..my husband just got back from Iraq. We are struggling a little, but he is struggling a lot. He needs prayers and I don’t know what else. He doesn’t even know. And I don’t know how to help them. I don’t want to go to church and smile and say “fine” when asked how I am.

I mean it’s not that life isn’t good. It is…for me. I have my husband home, I have great kids that are smart and getting bigger and becoming awesome people. My daughter is getting married next month and is having a baby in August. I mean these are the things that make life good. But I want my husband to be ok. I want to help him. I don’t know how because I don’t know what he needs. So I am just here. I continue to love him and support him the best way I know how. And I fervently pray for him because that’s all I can do.

But back to my point. I am excited about this church right now. I think it could be a good place to build a home and for us to get involved. I have decided that it’s going to have to be a process and something that we probably have to ease into. It’s going to change all of our lives in a lot of ways, and with everything else I don’t want to push things to much. I continue to talk to my friends and family about the hard issues. I had two such convrsations this weekend. With my grandmother and my Mom. They aren’t easy for many people, but they are part of who I am. They are almost my gift.

It has occured to me that I have the ability to talk about the hard things. To have compassion and understanding and to say things in a way that allows people to come to me and to really talk to me. It bothers me that I haven’t found a way to carry that over to my husband. Maybe it’s because we live together. Maybe it’s because I demand to much. I don’t know, but my new goal is to try to give him what he needs and allow him the time and space to absorb what I say without pushing him. But to give him the information and the oppurtunity to open in his heart in a way that I’m not sure he has in a very long time….if ever.

I am excited about the future. I can see the things that God is doing and I am thankful for all the things he has given me and the answers to me prayers. Even when the answers sometimes come in hard demanding and unknown times. As for church it’s looking good, and I look forward to  finding a home where I can go and have my heart, mind, and soul engadged and rejoicing and worshiping God as it should be. But also a place to lay my heart, my fears, my sin, and my struggles at the feet of Jesus and have him swallow them up.

Thanks for reading…I hope that each of you has a blessed day and that God intimately touches your life today.

WOW….

It’s really weird…my daughter is getting married next month. I am so scared for her. I know that she can handle it and that it’s an amazing thing. But I’m still scared and worried for her. At the same time I look forward to the day that they celebrate their 25th or 50th reunion. It will be so awesome! She is starting her life with him and her new baby due in August and it’s an amazing part of life. I know this is short but my heart is full and heavy tonight at the same time. And I just felt the need to share. Thank you so much for reading and for listening. Have a blessed day!!!!

It’s weird!!!

Ok…so after having my husband home for 2 and a half months he went back to work this morning. I think over all it’s a good thing. But it’s going to be another adjustment or the kids. I’m thankful that he will be home at the end of everyday and that hopefully it won’t take long before we are at least somewhat back to normal. I am so excited about my daughter getting married next month. She’s a little stressed because her Mom told her she wasn’t going to let her get married at the court house, and there are many issues that come with trying to have a wedding and having ex wives and husband’s invited to the wedding. Not to mention current wives and families. Add to that that she’s almost 5 months pregnant and you get some pretty stressful times. I wish there was something that I could do for her. It’s supposed to be her day, it’s supposed to be about her and what she wants and having her “whole” family there to celebrate with her. I am hoping and praying that things will be nice and go good for her. She deserves to have this. The people that she loves in one place, not fighting, and not thinking about themselves but thinking about her. There are a lot of things that are going to have to fall into place for that to happen. But I am hopeful that it will be a happy day that she will always remember and have a special place or in her heart. I will spend the next month praying that things go well…that there is no drama…and that i even just for a few minutes everyone can remember that we are there because we love her and want to share HER day with her. I can’t wait for the baby…it’s going to be fun to hold a baby again. And to find ways to spoil him/her and to give it all the love that deserves. Hopefully, this baby will have love from so many people that no matter what happens his Mom and Dad can make life a little easier for him than it was at least for her…but also for him. I know that they want to be good parents and that they love eachother, if they can just remember that and keep learning and growing I know that they will do great and be wonderful. There will be many prayers sent up over the next months and years, and I am thankul to have a God that can be right there with them, even when I am not so close. It’s going to be so wonderful to see the things that happen and what He does with all of our lives.

Thanks for reading. Have a blessed day!!!!

To watch God

Have you ever stepped back and looked around you. Looked at the big picture……it’s hard to do sometimes….and then sometimes it seems so easy to find.

There’s this book called the Shack….I haven’t read it personally mostly because through people talking a get the jist of it. God is real!!!! He’s there he wants a real relationship with us. Not one where He is a far off being or what we think of or see in our heads. But one where he is with us, and loves us, and is our friend. Everything that we can possibly need.

So apparently this book is really good. I have no doubt about that. I actually think my sister has it and I am going to borrow it. Just to read it. But I bring this up because one of my good friends read this book last week. And it has open something in her. I am so excited for her…..I can see her find what GOd has to offer her. She wants a relationship with him that isn’t just based on going to church. That fulfills her and sustains her. That doesn’t put God in a box but allows him to do His work, even when it is painful or we don’t understand it.

I love to watch GOd work around me. I can see all different and varying walks and places where peoples spiritual lives are and where they are going. Did you know that you can watch God?…..you just have to step back. There are amazing things in his plan, even for our everyday boring lives. I’ve been thinking that docters, police, fire fighters, and many others leave a mark on the world. They save lives. What do I do???? I am an awesome waitress. I give good fast service and most of the time I can do it with a smile no matter what is going on. I can run a store and train people. I can talk to anyone about just about anything. I love my children and my family. I love my husband and I am learning patience through him. But what am I really doing?

I don’t know the answer to that. But I guess that’s because only God knows his plan for me. Maybe I have already succedded in at least part of his plan. Maybe what I am doing now is setting up the chance to do the greatest thing he has planned. And in the end fulfilling God’s plan is more important than all the other things I could be doing in this world.

If you watch and pay attention, you can see God. It will overwhelm you. It will leave you speechless and usually smiling, even if the circumstances are difficult. I don’t know how or why….but do you know how God saved me???? He gave me Justin, my son, out of wedlock, a single mother. It changed my life. It continues to be a work in progress, but I know where my life was going before him. And I was old enough that my life would have stayed that course for a long time. Having my son made me slow down, made me look inside myself, made me find who I was, what I wanted, and what was important to me.

Can you see God in your life? In the life of those around you? Can you see Him even when others don’t or aren’t paying attention? I can. I see Him all the time. I watch Him touch the life of those around me. Just because they may not see it doesn’t mean it’s not God. I love to watch it. It makes me smile. It makes my heart happy. Finding a personal relationship with God is amazing. It’s not what we think it is….for those of us that grew up in the church….it’s so much more nad finding that and living that is the most amazing thing that GOd offers us. We get to know Him, and love Him, and He loves us.

Have a blessed day! Thanks for reading!!!!

I’m at a loss…..

I’m not sure what I am right now. I think I am a cross between sad, happy, and lost. I spent a good bit of time tonight talking to a women…a new friend…that lost her son in January. I can’t imagine tha pain. But oh my goodness has she handled it with dignity and not only that but she has thought about his brother’s in the military and what they meant to him. This woman is amazing! I have learned a lot from her in just the few times I have seen her and that we have chatted. I hope that should devestation ever come my way that I will handle it in the way that she has. I stand in awe of her and what she has done and what GOd is doing through her and for her through this time. It seems that God is all over and throughout this tragedy and I look at it and I can just see what he has done. It goes back to have you ever seen God….well, I have and I continue to see him through out the things that happen the the situation that occur in this live. I am thankful for a GOd that is loving and present in everything in all of our lives. and I love watching what he does in my life as well as in the lives of those around me no matter where they stand in their relationship with him. WE truelly serve a good righteous and faith God.

THanks for reading ……have a blessed day!!!!!!!!!

Medication

I figured if I titled this medication people would either be interested or not. This is what I have to say I have been on prozac off and on for more than 10 years. I probably should have been on it the whole time. But this is not something that is easy to come to terms with or face head on….especially for someone that is a control freak in a lot of ways.

I didn’t grow up in a bad home, or a bad situation. Other than a shady incident or two there really isn’t a whole lot of reasons for me to be depressed, sad, angry. I was a really pretty angry young lady. I didn’t get in fights or anything, but I was pretty mean, and I know how to use words to really strike and hurt people. I did a lot of that especially with people at my church and in my youth group. I was blamed for a lot of things. Or that’s the way it felt at the time, and in a lot of ways even looking back it feels that way. I just wanted to be heard and not treated like I was 5. Many of my views now are the same views I had then. Although I will admit I have learned to keep my mouth shut because so many people don’t agree with me. Sorry…off subject.

First, I want to say that I was diagnosed with depression by a pychologist not my premary care, or my ob, or anyone else. She was licensed and it was her job to figure out how to help me, and IF I even was depressed in the first place. That may sound strange, but in many cases I don’t think that general practice docter’s are qualified to diagnose depression, and definately on a long term basis.

Our minds are funny things and they are so conplex that one rule doesn’t necessarily apply from one person to the next. It’s a very personal one on one diagnosis. Second, you can be depressed because of a situation or things going on in your life and the lives of those around you. Depression is chemical. In your brain….not enough positive chemicals to even out the bad chemicals. I know that isn’t exactly scientific….but it’s in plain english. So maybe you can understand it. And I’m not a docter…..so ya take what I say with a grain of salt. I don’t know everything….but I know that I was 17 when I was diagnosed with depression and I have been dealing with it ever since. It has changed and evolved  and often looked just a little different than it did before. But it has always been there. It doesn’t go away, and even when it’s not as bad it always comes back no matter what is going on in my life.

I’m not really sure why I am sharing this except that I recently had to accept the fact that the dosage I was on obviously wasn’t working anymore. Now I wasn’t on a very large dose to begin with, so it’s not like I really am going crazy or something. But it makes me wonder what is wrong with me once again. My husband just got home from Iraq, he’s safe and although having to adjust we are here and we love each other and isn’t that a happy thing.

Well, I don’t know. I do know this. I don’t believe in passing out medicine for just anything and I don’t believe that having depression is a valid excuse for our actions. I am responsible for what I do, and I will be held accountable by God no matter what is wrong with me….whether there really is anything or not. But I also know this if I know the medicine helps me then I believe it’s my responsibility to take and too keep taking it. God wants me to be the best that I can be so if that means every 10 years I’m going to have to up the dosage on my medicine then I better do that.

The last thing I want to say is to clarify what I mean. This isn’t a cop out or an excuse. I have spent A LOT of time trying to tell myself that I can change my thoughts or my actions. Then I watch myself do the same things. For instance, I tell myself I’m not going to yell and it’s not that I don’t have self control it’s that I’m doing it before I realize I’m doing it. It’s a reaction…a chemical reaction in my body. This is one of the most difficult things to explain. Mostly I just want people to be careful, don’t be so easy to jump on the medication/ depression band wagon. It presents it’s own problems. But also don’t be afraid to talk about it. Also if you love someone that thinks they are depressed, or takes medication, or is hurting, there’s only a few select ways to help them. Be nice, be supportive, and let them come to terms on their own. It may take a long time, but if you try to force it they are just going to be angry and resent you. It’s not as easy as it sounds to just act different or change. It seems that way, and truthfully we can often look at a situation and say the same thing. “This is so stupid why can’t I do this, I don’t want to do this anymore, I want to change, but everytime the same situation comes up I react the same way.” Normally, it’s not every situation it’s just certain things, and usually the same general circumstances surround whatever is going on.

I just ask and pray that you will be patient. Be smart and realize there are people out there like you that understand and that truelly do feel better and struggle less when taking a medication.

Thanks for reading. Have a blessed day!

thoughts

So my thoughts are flying around tonight. My husband used to tell me that he didn’t let himself get sad because all the bad stuff was in one part of his brain and if he let any part out it all came out. I never understood that. But I think I’m starting to …the older I get the more I realize that when something makes me sad I often start thinking about all the other things that make me sad. Unresolved issues, hurts that have been done to me, or just hurts. Sometimes it’s no one’s fault but we hurt just the same.

However, it doesn’t take long for me to realize that there is no point in stopping to review those things. All things happen for a reason and even the seemingly bad things often turn out better than we thought they would. And if they don’t than maybe whatever that situation was is better off being left in the past along with the pain that is caused.

So many crazy things are happening right now. I think I have been sent into a tale spin from all the things that are coming up and all the things that I’m going to be doing. The next few months are going to be crazy. And I’m not sure what all they are going to bring, but there could be many changes to come.

I’m excited to be here and to see what happens. To find a balance and hopefully help make things better and easier for our family and also to continue to be the wife and mother that I have been.

Never know what’s going to happen and I’m praying that God will help me figure out what it is that I need to do, when to say no, and how and why and what I need to change. I’ll try to get back on here more often…I have a hard time sometimes finding the inspiration to write. I can doit anytime…but when I am truelly inspired it means moe to me and seems to mean more to others.

I hope that everyone had a blessed day and that God shows you the way to His heart and a peaceful life here on earth.

where do I go….

So I’ve been contemplating what I need to do with my life…what my gifts are and what God would want me to do. I go back to work part time as a manager on Sunday…well I start training. I’m excited about it in a way. A place to got to just get away from everything.

But I can’t see myself doing it full time anymore….I got my goal I had an offer to have my own store at 27 and that’s pretty good in the world of food service. And since I finally go the offer that I wanted I don’t seem to have much desire anymore to continue doing that. However, my problem is that I have three young children still, 2 of which aren’t in school yet. So I have to be available for them when/if they need me. And the fact that I’m a good manager means that it’s one of the best jobs to have to be able to get the time off I need for my children. Or when they get sick to get out of work without worrying about losing points or whatever.

So I’ve been trying to think if there are any other ways for me to at least make a little bit of money. I recently started cross stitching again…I did it when I was little. I have realized that it is not as easy as it looks and that it is time consuming, but also that there are many cool designs and that you have to have the patience to sit and complete a project. So I’ve been thinking about framing some of the ones I have done and trying to sell the finished product either framed or not on e-bay. But that’s a big decision and also has the oppurtunity to become a big fat failure.  That scares me. I would love nothing more than tostart selling some things and to slowly add more things to what I have to sell and build my own kind of business through this wonderful thing we call the internet. Where I can be at my house I can clean and cook, and go to doctor’s and dentists, and I can spend probably more than 40 hours a week doing things that I really enjoy doing. I just think that this would be so awesome!!!!

I’ve also thought off and on about writing a book. I have recently found that 2 of the people I knew in high school have written books and had them published, so I’m thinking well it can’t be that hard. My problem is that I need some help. I can write, I can reach out with my words and touch people and leave an impact. But I’m not good with grammar, and making thoughts flow into other thoughts and those kinds of things so I need someone that can read what I right and help me get it into the correct format for a book. But….I don’t really know anyone that can do that…so I’m kind of stuck there too.

I guess I need to start doing some serious praying and jump off a cliff or two to see what happens and to see what God does with my life, my dreams, and my desires.

THanks for listening to ponder.

Have a blessed day!!!

I surrender…..

I am sad tonight….

my step-son….who I hardly know went to prom. I can’ place blame but at this point I just want to know him. And for him to feel welcome at my house..

I don’t know if it was his mom’s fault, his dad’s, or mine, or a combination…but it hurts….

and then there are friends that don’t even know what they do for me…

my husband he often doesn’t understand…

I am as tormented as he is…..

well…I’m not sure how else to explain….

but I know that it hurts and I wish and pray and hope that someday I will or God will or we will have the capacity to change things….

thanks

have a blessed day

I have realized…..

I have come to realize that I sometimes over re-act. Well, maybe not but I often jump the gun on being upset or too worried about things. My life has ceased to have very much drama in it. The occasional arguement or fight with my husband, which seems to be mostly because life is boring and I need to fight from time to time. LOL…that’s probably not very funny, but it’s true. However, every once in a while there are things that happen that upset the balance. Many of you know I have 7 kids, 4 step-children. This is often hardre than I ever imagined it could be. My oldest daughter is getting married next saturday, I am so excited and I can’t wait to watch her Dad walk her down the isle.

Unfortunately, it’s been over a year since we saw the other 3 kids, and it makes things hard. I mean what do you do. I’m not sure what is true and what’s a lie anymore. And all I do know is that their mother says they hate me, and obviously isn’t interested in helping the situation instead of making it worse. Honestly, I don’t think I have done anything to make them hate me. I mean they have hardly been around enough for me to do much of anything. Now I’m sure at some point I may have done something that they didn’t like, but it would have had to have been at least 3 years ago because they haven’t been around since then.

That hurts me, but more than that I struggle for those kids.  I know that the only thing I can do is pray that someday those kids seek us out, or at least their Dad. And listen when they hear the answers that they search for. I in no way think that no one is blameless in this situation. However, you can’t imagine the place that my husband and I have been put in. Actually, at one time I probably would have blamed him, but he really is in a position that he has very little control over anything. And he hasn’t since they got divorced.

Personally, I really struggle with this. I know that I’m not perfect and that blended families bring issues, and often it takes years for everyone to feel welcome and find a family dynamic that works for all involved. And sometimes it’s just a matter of being civil. I’m not against any of that. I just feel like I/we have been cheated and that instead of allowing as many people as possible love her children…only her and her friends are the ones “good” enough to love them and be there for them. It makes me sad, and I wonder why things have to be this way.

I know that God is probably teaching and testing me in this and I am trying to keep doing what he would do and what he would want me to do. It’s hard to know what that is, and I have a hard time thinking that he would have me just ignore the situation and go on with my life.

So I go on with my life, I reach out from time to time and hope and pray that when the oppurtunity comes there will be open hearts, at least on the part of the kids. I don’t stop praying that God will soften the ex-wife’s heart and allow her to see that we love them. And that even if the past hasn’t been great the future could be if we would work together, and love the kids, and try to show them some things.

I guess that’s it for now just needed to talk somethings out, and release some tension.

THnaks for reading….have a blessed day

A busy time….

Well, last week is over. My daughter’s wedding was Saturday…it was beautiful. They are so excited to be married and to having their son in August. I’m excited that I’m going to be a grandma….LOL. And Lily is excited that her sister is having a baby. She loves to be around her and spend time with her. She loves to touch the belly and talk to the baby. It is so cute! It went amazingly smoothly, and Jessica’s Mom did a really good job with the wedding.

Yes, she is my step-daughter. I have spent lots of time trying to figure out what to call her. I’m really not old enough to be her Mom, but I feel the same way as I do about my own. It’s been a tough road but I am hoping that we are on a path now that will lead to being close, or at least closer, and that we can all spend time together over the next months and years.

Anyway, she made the tough decision not to have someone there that means a lot to her, because of the potential problems it may have caused. Ultimately her Dad and I were blamed for the decision and that was something that was difficult to handle. I have come to realize that there are people that it is impossible to deal with. That no matter what you do, how nice you are, or what your heart is there is nothing you can do.

This has been a hard lesson for me. People who are important to me I don’t want to hate me, or not like me. Or at least be able to be civil with me. There are times and people that this is just impossible to have happen. I guess the reason why it bothers me is because that’s not my heart. I’m sure there are times when I don’t do the right thing, or don’t do what I need to do. But, it’s not on purpose I don’t intentionally set out to hurt people and make things worse. I hope that the people that do know me, and that I am close to know that and believe it.

That I don’t intend to hurt people. That I have a good heart and I only want good things. I don’t always know how to fix things or how to make them better. But I want to live and love and spend the time that we have on this earth being what God wants us to be and trying to share and give his love to everyone that we come in contact with. I know that that is not always what happens and that I fail, but that is what I want in my heart and there is nothing greater that I would rather have.

Help…teach me about gossip

Ok so it has come to my attention that I may be wrong about my definition of gossip. Although I admit that I don’t htink so. My understanding of gossip is that you are talking about a person that isn’t present and bad mouthing them, or saying things that would bring that person down or hurt them.

Well, my problem has always been that sometimes the truth hurts, does that mean that when someone says something that is true, but it hurts someone that it is gossip. I don’t believe so. I have always tried to live and talk in a way that the basic guideline is that if I wouldn’t say it to someone’s face I shouldn’t say it to a third party. And you should always go to the source of information. For instance, if you tell me that John said ” bla, bla, bla” about Tim. And you don’t think it’s true, you go to Tim and ask him. Then leave it there. You don’t have to be the back and forth person between the two and whatever they choose to do with the information is for them to do.

It irritates me when people use gossip as an excuse to be ignorant, or a reason not to find out the truth about a situation. As far as I know there isn’t anything that says I’m not allowed to talk about other people ever. It just says that I shoul dbe careful what I say, it’s not my place to spread other people’s issues around, and if you have something to say you should be saying it to the person first before you talk to anyone else. I’m not sure that makes a lot of sense. But a situation has come up that really has me looking at this subject again.

I have evaluated and searched my heart more than one time over this issue. I by no means think that I have never gossiped or that there is a line that can be easily cross. But I wonder if people don’t hide behind gossip as a way not to get involved and a way to believe things that are far from truth about the people in our lives. I also think you really have to examine what people say, sometimes it may sound worse than it really is. Or a person can be saying something that you over look because you are over whelmed by your own feelings.

I don’t know the answers, but I do know this. I am basically a very blunt, open, and honest person. I have learned to try to word what I have to say in a nicer way, or in a way that will be recieved better by others. But it’s who I am. I feel that if I continue to allow someone to live in delusion or falsehood that I am doing them a disservice and I am failing in my purpose here on earth. Maybe that sounds like a crazy purpose, but the older I get the more I realize that having the ability to see the truth and voice it, for the most part, without breaking someone’s spirit truelly is a gift. I don’t always like to hear the truth myself, but in the end I know what is true, and I know when someone is right.

For this reason I love my husband. Soemtimes I find myself wishing that I got more of the clieche things like, oh I’m so sorry you have a little cut, or …sorry got some news and my thoughts are all jacked up now…..more later

Lost

I don’t even know where to start today. My husband kicked me out of our house 3 weeks ago. Then 4 days later he let me come home, we talked and we came to some understandings. Twice since then we have gotten into arguements and he has said things like “if you leave again you aren’t coming back” “I don’t know why I let you come back”…”i’m going to get an apartment and then we will figure out the kids…and we’ll let our house go back that we bought last year”. Now don’t get me wrong I probably said and did some things that weren’t necessary, but I didn’t threaten to leave, and in the big picture it doesn’t seem to me that what I did was so bad that it should warrent ending our marriage. I realize that I am complicated and sometimes narotic, and that it’s hard to deal with me. This is not something that has escaped me or that I don’t understand. Mostly I don’t know how to change who I am, to not care anymore about the things that I care about. to not want something better for my marriage. I was angry, but mostly I’m just hurt and I don’t understand why there has to be such extremes. We all have choices and we all have responsbilities and I try to take care of those as much as possible. Personally I believe that we should all have part of ourselves that is our own. That we aren’t just wives, husbands, friends, daughters, mothers, dads, sisters…that there is part of us that is ours and that doesn’t require anyone else’s imput. And we should be allowed to just be sometimes. To waste time or money or energy on something that rebuilds us and makes us stronger and when we don’t take the time to do that that’s when it all becomes too much. I love my husband with all my heart. Even when he’s a jerk and he hurts me still all I want to do is be with him and love him. I don’t  think it’s that way for him, at least that’s not the way he acts or what he says. I realized that I have a hard time giving time and energy to him because I never know the next time he is going to threaten our marriage or tell me to leave. I guess that’s where my fault is. Love is loving someone even when they are not lovable and when they deserve it least. Which I can do….I just usually get mad first and caues more damage before I calm down and realize I should have just shut up!!!! I do know that it’s hard for me not to share lifes struggles with the person that I love. That I need that person to be there and to reassure me that things are going to be ok, and that we are in this together. And when I don’t feel like we are together I feel backed into a corner. I don’t know where it started but I have been thinking lately that I really don’t think much o myself, somewhere along the way even knowing that God loves me and my friends love me that I have gotten this thing that I am not good enough. That I don’t do what people want me to do and that the way I do things is very different from that of most people. One of the things that makes me me is that I don’t give up….mostly on people..but on lots of things. I don’t burn bridges and I need people in my life. All the people that bridges have been burned with were burned by the other person. I don’t believe in giving up on people or taking love away from them for any reason. I believe that everyone deserves one person in their life that would move heaven and earth for them and that will do their best to bring something to their lives that they haven’t had before. I have tried…and I will continue to try but it seems that the one person i most want to do that for is the one person that I can’t do that for. And I don’t know what else to do to be able to make things different.

I guess that I don’t have enough faith…that I haven’t let God work His majic that’s the only thing I can figure…which only means that I am also a failure at loving God. Wow….this is really depressing me…I wouldn’t want to read it. So I’m going to go and maybe when I have some more clear thoughts I will try agian….if you have wasted your time thanks for that…..

Remember

I don’t know how much others have really thought about what happened on this day 8 years ago. But I just want to cry. We should all be able to have compassion for people that are victimized and hurt by people. Someone came to OUR country and used OUR planes to try to destroy us. I still can’t believe it. I think about that day, driving to work, hearing them talking on the radio and thinking “what in the world are they talking about?”…. It didn’t take long to realize they were serious….our country was under attack. I remember putting my hand over my mouth and tears coming to my eyes thinking no way this can’t be real. It still brings tears to my eyes. I got to my Grandma’s house and told her to turn on the news and watched as planes…yes planes…big huge planes with people on them flew into a building. Yes a building and worse yet it was no accident. Fear and anger don’t even begin to cover what I was feeling. Fear for my child and what this world would be like for him, fear for my family. The thought that I’ve been there I know what that place looks like. It wasn’t a place on a map or a picture on TV. We so easily forget the pain, hurt, fear, and anger that we felt as a society, as a country, as one people on that day. It wasn’t about politics or health care, or which president was in office. It was about our people dying, people thinking they could come here and use all the good things about this country against us. How could they? Now 8 years later we sit and fight and are ugly about who is president and what he is doing…or not doing. And about the president that was in office on that tragic day and what he tried to do to protect us and to keep us safe from further threat. I know that there are many people that don’t agree with many of the things that he did. But he fact remains we haven’t been attacked again, we have been reasonably safe, they have even stopped plots that still exist out there against us. If you ask me if you really want to stop and pay attention there is way more good in this country than bad. Just because someone decides to report the bad things doesn’t mean that the good things aren’t still there. Can you imagine if all these good people with good hearts would come together no matter which side of the issues they are on and just love each other, try to conpromise and realize that we are all just human. How much more amazing this country could be. As Christians we are to show love, live love, and be love. That doesn’t mean just in the things that we agree with or that we like but everything. Is there someone you know that is an alocoholic or drug addict, or porn, or sex…..or in the same way a liar, or cheat, or someone that steals. Do you see those people in your world? Do you know their story?Have you stopped to talk to them and find out why they do those things? Not that they are any less wrong…..but maybe some understanding patience and love is all they need to be able and open to see God and what he has to offer them. Have you ever sat next to someone who’s child over dosed on drugs and watched them cry and wonder why. Have you ever really talked to a soldier that has been in Iraq and asked them what they are feeling and what they really saw? They probably won’t tell you, but take it from me you probably couldn’t handle it anyway. This world is full or pain and hurt and anger. It is also full of love and goodness, compassion, and genuine kindness. Look for these things in your world. The next time you see someone that doesn’t look or act like what you think they should ask yourself what they have to give, and what God sees in their heart. Because I promise you God doesn’t see the lies, or drugs, or other ways of acting out. He sees their hearts, he holds their tears in his hands, and on days like the one 8 years ago I promise you he was there with those people that died, he heard their screams and their prayers and in some way each and everyone one of those was answered. This day has also had me reflecting on another day. April 20,1999 for those of you that don’t know that was the day of the Columbine massacre. I still have my shirt and my ribbons that are in rememberance. That day just like this one will always be imprinted on my heart. I will never forget it and every year I will feel the same pain and fear that I felt on that day. Helpless…and wondering how it was going to touch me after all that school was just a short 30 minute drive from where I went to school. There were rumors about the “gang” or group those boys were in, and there will people that considered themselves that, that went to my school. I remember my sister and I being scared to go to school and my Mom didn’t make us go. You can’t know that fear until it hits close to home. Be thankful if you have never been there. For those of you that were you know what I am talking about. Through all this remember that God is faithful. he sees your heart and he doesn’t see your sin. He sees your pain, he holds your heart, and he wants good things for you. Depending on him doesn’t make life easy, but it should make you actions and judgements different. Be kind to someone today, hug someone that you love. Remember that there are and always will be men in women fighting for you and your safety. Maybe that’s something else you can’t understand unless you’ve been there. But I have I’m proud to say that I belong to and with the Arkansas Army National Guard. That my husband went to Iraq and still 9 months later struggles with what he saw and went through. But God has been faithful. He has brought us through this, and in another few years he will again. Those men and women literall walk through a version of hell that we will NEVER understand or see, and no matter what your opinion it is in defense of you. So that you can sit here on your computer, with your cell phone, and job, and family, and TV, and all those other things that we are blessed with. Make no mistake that you owe them and you ar duty bound to defend your country and all those in it just like you would your family. Loyalty is often in small doses…well I’m here to tell you. Not this girl…if you are with me I am with you always. No one will hurt you and get away with it. You will never be alone. Your pain will be my pain and I will love you no matter what you do. i will try to see you through God’s eyes and treat you accordingly. Remember this day people. Remember what you were doing. Remember how much you wanted your family together. Remember that it is in those times when we are closest to God and eachother ad try to make it that way everyday of your life. Because next time that plane or bomber, or seriously hurt and angry person might be where you work, or play, or live and those people may never know the love that you have for them, or that you even care. Remember……always….remember….these are the things that shape our lives and our world!!!!