Lost

I don’t even know where to start today. My husband kicked me out of our house 3 weeks ago. Then 4 days later he let me come home, we talked and we came to some understandings. Twice since then we have gotten into arguements and he has said things like “if you leave again you aren’t coming back” “I don’t know why I let you come back”…”i’m going to get an apartment and then we will figure out the kids…and we’ll let our house go back that we bought last year”. Now don’t get me wrong I probably said and did some things that weren’t necessary, but I didn’t threaten to leave, and in the big picture it doesn’t seem to me that what I did was so bad that it should warrent ending our marriage. I realize that I am complicated and sometimes narotic, and that it’s hard to deal with me. This is not something that has escaped me or that I don’t understand. Mostly I don’t know how to change who I am, to not care anymore about the things that I care about. to not want something better for my marriage. I was angry, but mostly I’m just hurt and I don’t understand why there has to be such extremes. We all have choices and we all have responsbilities and I try to take care of those as much as possible. Personally I believe that we should all have part of ourselves that is our own. That we aren’t just wives, husbands, friends, daughters, mothers, dads, sisters…that there is part of us that is ours and that doesn’t require anyone else’s imput. And we should be allowed to just be sometimes. To waste time or money or energy on something that rebuilds us and makes us stronger and when we don’t take the time to do that that’s when it all becomes too much. I love my husband with all my heart. Even when he’s a jerk and he hurts me still all I want to do is be with him and love him. I don’t  think it’s that way for him, at least that’s not the way he acts or what he says. I realized that I have a hard time giving time and energy to him because I never know the next time he is going to threaten our marriage or tell me to leave. I guess that’s where my fault is. Love is loving someone even when they are not lovable and when they deserve it least. Which I can do….I just usually get mad first and caues more damage before I calm down and realize I should have just shut up!!!! I do know that it’s hard for me not to share lifes struggles with the person that I love. That I need that person to be there and to reassure me that things are going to be ok, and that we are in this together. And when I don’t feel like we are together I feel backed into a corner. I don’t know where it started but I have been thinking lately that I really don’t think much o myself, somewhere along the way even knowing that God loves me and my friends love me that I have gotten this thing that I am not good enough. That I don’t do what people want me to do and that the way I do things is very different from that of most people. One of the things that makes me me is that I don’t give up….mostly on people..but on lots of things. I don’t burn bridges and I need people in my life. All the people that bridges have been burned with were burned by the other person. I don’t believe in giving up on people or taking love away from them for any reason. I believe that everyone deserves one person in their life that would move heaven and earth for them and that will do their best to bring something to their lives that they haven’t had before. I have tried…and I will continue to try but it seems that the one person i most want to do that for is the one person that I can’t do that for. And I don’t know what else to do to be able to make things different.

I guess that I don’t have enough faith…that I haven’t let God work His majic that’s the only thing I can figure…which only means that I am also a failure at loving God. Wow….this is really depressing me…I wouldn’t want to read it. So I’m going to go and maybe when I have some more clear thoughts I will try agian….if you have wasted your time thanks for that…..

Remember

I don’t know how much others have really thought about what happened on this day 8 years ago. But I just want to cry. We should all be able to have compassion for people that are victimized and hurt by people. Someone came to OUR country and used OUR planes to try to destroy us. I still can’t believe it. I think about that day, driving to work, hearing them talking on the radio and thinking “what in the world are they talking about?”…. It didn’t take long to realize they were serious….our country was under attack. I remember putting my hand over my mouth and tears coming to my eyes thinking no way this can’t be real. It still brings tears to my eyes. I got to my Grandma’s house and told her to turn on the news and watched as planes…yes planes…big huge planes with people on them flew into a building. Yes a building and worse yet it was no accident. Fear and anger don’t even begin to cover what I was feeling. Fear for my child and what this world would be like for him, fear for my family. The thought that I’ve been there I know what that place looks like. It wasn’t a place on a map or a picture on TV. We so easily forget the pain, hurt, fear, and anger that we felt as a society, as a country, as one people on that day. It wasn’t about politics or health care, or which president was in office. It was about our people dying, people thinking they could come here and use all the good things about this country against us. How could they? Now 8 years later we sit and fight and are ugly about who is president and what he is doing…or not doing. And about the president that was in office on that tragic day and what he tried to do to protect us and to keep us safe from further threat. I know that there are many people that don’t agree with many of the things that he did. But he fact remains we haven’t been attacked again, we have been reasonably safe, they have even stopped plots that still exist out there against us. If you ask me if you really want to stop and pay attention there is way more good in this country than bad. Just because someone decides to report the bad things doesn’t mean that the good things aren’t still there. Can you imagine if all these good people with good hearts would come together no matter which side of the issues they are on and just love each other, try to conpromise and realize that we are all just human. How much more amazing this country could be. As Christians we are to show love, live love, and be love. That doesn’t mean just in the things that we agree with or that we like but everything. Is there someone you know that is an alocoholic or drug addict, or porn, or sex…..or in the same way a liar, or cheat, or someone that steals. Do you see those people in your world? Do you know their story?Have you stopped to talk to them and find out why they do those things? Not that they are any less wrong…..but maybe some understanding patience and love is all they need to be able and open to see God and what he has to offer them. Have you ever sat next to someone who’s child over dosed on drugs and watched them cry and wonder why. Have you ever really talked to a soldier that has been in Iraq and asked them what they are feeling and what they really saw? They probably won’t tell you, but take it from me you probably couldn’t handle it anyway. This world is full or pain and hurt and anger. It is also full of love and goodness, compassion, and genuine kindness. Look for these things in your world. The next time you see someone that doesn’t look or act like what you think they should ask yourself what they have to give, and what God sees in their heart. Because I promise you God doesn’t see the lies, or drugs, or other ways of acting out. He sees their hearts, he holds their tears in his hands, and on days like the one 8 years ago I promise you he was there with those people that died, he heard their screams and their prayers and in some way each and everyone one of those was answered. This day has also had me reflecting on another day. April 20,1999 for those of you that don’t know that was the day of the Columbine massacre. I still have my shirt and my ribbons that are in rememberance. That day just like this one will always be imprinted on my heart. I will never forget it and every year I will feel the same pain and fear that I felt on that day. Helpless…and wondering how it was going to touch me after all that school was just a short 30 minute drive from where I went to school. There were rumors about the “gang” or group those boys were in, and there will people that considered themselves that, that went to my school. I remember my sister and I being scared to go to school and my Mom didn’t make us go. You can’t know that fear until it hits close to home. Be thankful if you have never been there. For those of you that were you know what I am talking about. Through all this remember that God is faithful. he sees your heart and he doesn’t see your sin. He sees your pain, he holds your heart, and he wants good things for you. Depending on him doesn’t make life easy, but it should make you actions and judgements different. Be kind to someone today, hug someone that you love. Remember that there are and always will be men in women fighting for you and your safety. Maybe that’s something else you can’t understand unless you’ve been there. But I have I’m proud to say that I belong to and with the Arkansas Army National Guard. That my husband went to Iraq and still 9 months later struggles with what he saw and went through. But God has been faithful. He has brought us through this, and in another few years he will again. Those men and women literall walk through a version of hell that we will NEVER understand or see, and no matter what your opinion it is in defense of you. So that you can sit here on your computer, with your cell phone, and job, and family, and TV, and all those other things that we are blessed with. Make no mistake that you owe them and you ar duty bound to defend your country and all those in it just like you would your family. Loyalty is often in small doses…well I’m here to tell you. Not this girl…if you are with me I am with you always. No one will hurt you and get away with it. You will never be alone. Your pain will be my pain and I will love you no matter what you do. i will try to see you through God’s eyes and treat you accordingly. Remember this day people. Remember what you were doing. Remember how much you wanted your family together. Remember that it is in those times when we are closest to God and eachother ad try to make it that way everyday of your life. Because next time that plane or bomber, or seriously hurt and angry person might be where you work, or play, or live and those people may never know the love that you have for them, or that you even care. Remember……always….remember….these are the things that shape our lives and our world!!!!

Thoughts….

So I have been convicted in a way. I have recently like in the past month seen 3 people from the church that I attended last year while my husband was deployed to Iraq. All three have said that they would like to see us out there again. I have some issues with that because I really have some issues with church, as whole. I love God and I am in constant contact and interaction with him. I have friends that I talk to on the phone aobut everything in my life and aout God and what he wants from us. I think A LOT outside the box. i don’t believe in putting God in a box and therefore sometimes it’s hard for me to interact with people that have their thoughts made up about certain situations. So my point is that I think I’m going to take my kids to church tonight. Not because everyone tells me it’s what I should do but because I am open enough to see that God is working on me and that by recent events there is a reason that he wants me to go to church. And not only that there is a reason i belong at the church that i had been going to. That scares me in a lot of ways because there were quite a few issues that I had out there. But I truelly believe one of two things is supposed to happen. I’m supposed to change my thinking about some things….or I’m supposed to help to make this congregation everything that it can be. It’s a little scary…but isn’t this what faith is all aobut???

Anyone reading this that is determined to judge someone that doesn’t go to church regularly I challenge you to stop and think abou that. God has lead me back to church, He lives in me and He blesses my life and I don’t go to church regularly. But there’s a reason He wants me there and I know that it is up to me to head that call when it is given. So…here I go. We’ll see what happens and hopfeully I will be even more imencely blessed by whatever happens.

 

THanks for listening. Have a blessed day!

Join my group….

Hey for any of you out there that are a member of face book I have started a group called “Seeking to follow Jesus….the Bible’s truths”

I have been seeking a place to share my thoughts and my life and struggles and i have yet to find anything on here that is real. That discusses real life and that gets deep into our thoughts and what God really wants from us. So I created my own group. I want it to be a place of sharing and of learning from each other. It’s often hard to know where someone else is at and until we are directly effected by a situation it’s also hard to know what we would say or do. I have found that faith is something that is often illusive. That is hard to find and that in the midst of pain, worry, anger, and frustration it is often the furthest thing from our minds.

It is extremely painful when you watch a friend go through such a difficult time that they start to question God and what His goal is for our lives. Someone that has always known and loved God and that you know is so lost that they may just fall off the edge. This is scary and it is sad. It’s sad that so many of us have been taught and conditioned to know a God that doesn’t really love us, or only loves us when we are perfect. It’s hard to know that there is something more, that a personal relationship with God means something different than what you may have always known. It’s not about what someone else believes or what someone told you or taught you. It’s about seeking God and finding him for yourself. It is very hard for me to know the answers to some very difficult questions. Even things that the Bible speaks about. There are things that are confusing and there are things that aren’t directly spoken of in the Bible. It’s not a blue print, I don’t believe there is any way to follow it to the point where we will be saved. Which is where grace comes in. My struggle is that what if the grace is supposed to cover something that you have always been taught is wrong.

here’s my new big question…..what makes a marriage to God?…..is it the piece of paper. Is it the heart of the people involved. Is it when you have sex with the person you pledge to live the rest of your life with? What to God is marriage? And if it’s sex, do I have more than one husband, even though I’ve only been married once. Am I cheating on my husband because i’m not with the first person that I had sex with. Also even if you get married and have that piece of paper is it really a marriage in God’s eyes if that marriage is never what God views marriage as. A joining of two people, two people becoming one, a husband clinging to his wife, and the wife clinging to her husband. What if that doesn’t happen. What if you are married for 10 years and in those 10 years there has been no time when that marriage has been what God calls it to be in the Bible. If you get a divorce knowing what God thinks about divorce are you going to hell? I mean if God never saw the marriage in the first place, doesn’t that kind of negate the divorce. I am so confused on this subject. I’m confused because I know that we should not get divorced and that this is something that God is against. However, i also know what God says about husbands and wives and the way they are supposed to behave and treat each other. If one or both parties don’t follow these rules aren’t you in just as much danger of going to hell as if you get divorce because you feel your marriage is not what God would want it to be.

I want to believe that God loves us. That He wants us to be happy, not that life will be easy, or painful, but happy. That he wants us to be able to say that our life is good, that no matter what we live in His love and glory. What if you are in a situation where you can’t say that? Or is that even possible? Should we be finding God and seeking him that much more if we have the feeling that we are myserable, and things will change. Plus then there’s the onther people…you can’t change someone else. Do you surrender to being in pain for the rest of your life because you are willing to change and the other person isn’t. Wow….I couldn’t get more confused. This is why I started this group. Pretty much everyone has their thoughts about these things and I wanted a  place for people to talk and share without judgment or fighting. If anyone is as confused as I am..then maybe we can find help together.

I do know this. God is good all the time. God loves us, and he truelly wants what is best for us. Just because we can’t find that doesn’t mean that it’s not what He wants. And just because we often put God in a box, especially where our feelings and opinions are concerned doesn’t mean that He can’t touch and change anything that we step back and give him the power to change. Thanks for listening…and if you’d like to start or answer some more interesting questions please stop by my facebook page…or join the group that I mentioned earlier.

Have a blessed day!

I’m angry!

So the phone rings at like 10:45 last night. As usual my husband doesn’t answer it because we are in bed and he has to get up early. We know who it is it’s his best friend. This is not the first time he has called when he knows we are in bed. Anyway, we lay there and an hour later the phone rings again. This time it is a different man saying that Chad’s best friend is talking crazy and he can’t calm him down. I’m not really sure where to go from here.

So I’ll do my best not to make this confusing. The man that called we’ll say he’s “John”….is a christian man that goes to church and that him and his wife are very open about wanting to be in God’s light, and keeping their family on the right path. I am all for that and I know that most people have their hearts in the right place even when they are wrong.

Ok so “steve” calls my husband and when he doesn’t get him, he calls John. Who then calls my husband and then my husband calls Steve. I know that something is wrong at this point and I am just hoping that it’s not another call saying that someone they love has died. That happened to us in January. Anyway, my husband talks to Steve for a minute we get out of bed, and next thing he says is I’m going to Steve’s house. It’s not like his house is just down the road, he lives 30 minutes away. So I kiss him, tell me to be careful, and let me know when he gets there.

Steve is drunk and apperantly his wife has left the house. That was all I knew at the time. My heart is just breaking because I know how much they love each other and I know that they are dealing with some pretty major issues. Aside from just getting home from Iraq, Steve is the one that found his friend in January who had accidentally over dosed while drinking. Man….can we even imagine? I know I can’t. I’m pretty sure I would be messed up for a long time. Anyway, not that I agree necessarily, but he needed someone to love him and just to listen. Sure he was yelling and mad and going off about his wife and what she was doing. But he was mad, and upset, and she had left. I’m sure there were 1,000 things going through his head.

This is why I am angry. Today I look at John’s wife’s myspace page and she has a message on there about how Steve is ungrateful and she is losing sleep because he wants to grip about his responsibilities. I am so angry. i realize that it’s really none of my business. And there is no reason for me to get involved. But Steve is like my brother, I love him. I would protect him from anything that I had the power to protect him from. I am proud of him, and I want him to learn things. I am so angry that someone who claims to be a good friend, and care so much would be so ugly about something that obviously says that Steve was in need.

I get so tired of “christian” people doing things in the name of God that are not what god would want. Do I think that God would say Steve was right or doing the right thing. No I don’t, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t deserve friends and someone to listen to him and love him and be there for him when he needs them. Plus, I can’t stand liars. I can’t stand people that lead you to believe something that is absolutely not true. I know Steve I spend time with him, I talk to him, and I know his heart. I also know that he is struggling and he is lost and he needs someone to love him and be there for him. It seems that this family is only willing to be friend and believe God lead people into their lives if that person is willing to follow them blindly and believe everything that they say….oh not to mention not put them out to much. If you have issues they need to be at a certain time of day and only last so long because they have other things to do and sleep is important.

I am not God and I am not their judge. That is for them to face when they meet God. I don’t know what he will decide and that is something that only he can know. All I know is this. I have watched too many people walk away from God because they don’t know him and people that do are bad stewards and show them a God that is not real. A God that wants perfection and that wants you to automatically change from one day to the next. That is not true, I believe taht it is a process and that we all find our way to him. But that has nothing to do with our hearts and our love for him or desire to be a part of him.

I’m still trying to figure all this out. And maybe it’s not anger, it’s heart break and pain. My heart hurts for Steve and what he is going through and it breaks that someone would treat him so badly in a time when he is so obviously in need of understanding and love. I guess I will go thanks for reading and listening.

Have a blessed day!!!!

Mother’s Day…and love

As I reflect on Mother’s Day…which is Sunday. It goes along with so many of the things that I have been thinking about lately. It occurs to me that God makes all of us in His image. Doesn’t that mean that we are all beautiful wonderful great people. Maybe some of us have more of one trait or another. There are some that are such a mixture of so many things that you wonder how God can be all of them. I have pondered this when I think about the differences between men and women, and the many very stark differences there are. But there is a place for all of these things. God made us this way, he made us different. He made us to compliment each other and help each other in life’s struggles and fears and to be together in happiness and fun. I am no better than anyone else, and while God chose me to be a strong women, that has a tremendous sense of fairness and truth. While others are given the ability to um…comfort and befriend(?) those that need it.
Maybe that doesn’t make sense….but there are some situations where my gifts and what God has given me will be of more benefit and there are some where someone else probably has a gift that is better suited to the situation. I am so thankful for these differences. Not that they are easy to live with or sometimes other people’s “way” annoys me. But it is truelly amazing the way that God has used His image to creat people that are so different and that have the ability to make differences in so many different ways.

As a mother maybe there are things I fail at. But I know this…I listen to my children. I know them. Their strengths and weaknesses and I do my best to try to help them learn and to know that who they are is absolutely amazing. I try to bring out their strengths and show them that there are so many good things about all people. I have two boys. I love showing them affection and love, and giving them what so many men dont’ have. I have no dilusions that at some point they will probably enter the “I am man” mentality, but my hope is that I will give them just enough softness, love, and compassion that they will be the best men, friend, father, and husband that they possibly can be. That they will treat people with respect and that they will take up and take care of the poeple that are around them. My daughter…my hope is that i will be able to guide her, like my mother has, and love her. To help her be a better friend, mother, and wife. I want them all to know God, not just the stories but know Him and trust him and seek Him for themselves. To ask questions and to not just accept what people tell them or what I tell them for that matter. Being a mother is a responsiblility that never ends. I will always fervently pray for my children. I will always pray that they will know God, that He will be real to them, and that they have a true relationship with him. This is the goal for all of my life…whether I fail or succeed is up to God to determine. But I will always be a strong women, with a compassionate heart, and a belief that God can and will see to it that the changes that need to be made are made…in His time in His way. This Mother’s Day I am thankful for a mother and Grandmothers that have taught me so much and have always loved me. I am thankful that in August I am going to have the chance to be a Grandmother, that my daughter is compassionate and kind, and wants to be a good mother. That’s half the battle right there. I am thankful that I have a mother-i-law that I can talk with and that is honest and open about her experiences and her life so that I may learn from it. God is so good and I have been emensely blessed in everything that I have and all the “mother’s” that I have ever met or will meet. We are rare and wonderful and God made us strong and good in HIS image.

Have a blessed day!

Tragedy

My sister let me know yesterday that one of the girls that she went to high school with had disappeared. There wasn’t a lot of information and there still isn’t. But apperantly sometime last night her husband admitted to accidentally shooting her and then dumping her body by a river where they live. This has really rocked my little world.

First, I didn’t know her personally, but I know some of her family members and our community is pretty small considering, and therefore things like this shake up the whole. Please be in prayer for the family of Micah Rine Pate, and also for the Pate family. I’m sure that whatever the curcumstances are this is a shock for them also.

I find it hard to believe that you can accidentally shoot someone and then dump their body, then call the police and report that person missing and it all be that easy to explain. I do not know this person or anything about him. But I don’t understand the mentality of trying to cover up an accident, if that is what it was. There are still few details. I can’t even find anything in any of the news reports. So I can only assume that as time goes on more things will come out.

Also I think it is somewhat benficial to have had him come clean and lead the police to her body. At least the families won’t have to live with the unknown. I’m pretty sure that that would be one of the worst things to live with.

My heart is heavy. I know that this world is aweful. That good people make bad mistakes and that God still loves and forgives us. It is hard as a human to believe that there is a way to be saved from something as bad as taking someone else’s life. I don’t know this person and I can not imagine taking someone else’s life, unless my life was in danger. And I am pretty sure that situation would effect my life in ways that I can not even fathom.

God is alknowing and all loving. i know that he  knows my heart and that I am saved through him. That although I fail on a daily basis, and that my sin is no less in His eyes than murder, he is still with me and beside me as I try to find my way closer to him.

I can have real conversations with him. I can be angry or scared. I can pour my heart and everything that I am and love into him and he will take care of me, hold me close, and give me peace. If I will let him.

There’s one last things that has been staying on my heart lately. God does not call us to be timid, but strong and to stand up for what is right and for His honor and glory. I do not always do this. But I know that when my heart is in turmoil and I feel lost that God is there. That when I say to someone….”no, you know what?…that is just wrong…and I won’t let it go” It seems that there are many people that tell me to let it go, or calm down, or back off. That’s not who God made me. He made me with a sense of fairness, the person that sees the people in a way that most people don’t see them. He made me strong, and loud, and opionated, and with insight into life and the people around me. I have often wondered if I am too open-minded and whether God would have me be more like some of the people around me and set in my ways and thoughts.

I still don’t know the answer to that but I do know this. The Bible is living and breathing. It is alive today and there is much we can learn from it. We are to examine what others tell us or teach us and we are to use the Bible to determine what it is that God wants and what His laws are. I have found the more I have ingadged my brain and used the knowledge that I have that there are many things that many people say and talk about that simply are not true, and are not Biblical, at least not in a manor that would have us adhering to rules that God did not set out for us. God wants us to use our brains to seek him, to find him, to love him and honor him with what he made us to be and what He wants for our lives.  I find that the more I seek him and the more I look at some of the issues that I have always been taught and have been grown up knowing that Biblically there are many things that aren’t what I have necessarily always thought. I am on my own in a lot of ways about a lot of these things, partly because a lot of Christians don’t  really examine these things, and people that may not have grown up in the church have what they have heard, what people talk about, and what culturally we are taught and told about God and being a Christian. I find these boxes sad, and wonder why we continue to put God in a box that doesn’t allow us to be truelly blessed and to have our hearts desires fulfilled by him.

I am not perfect by any means, but I believe that God is involved in my life, daily, hourly, by the minute and that he knows my heart, my hopes, and my dreams. He wants to give me the things that I desire and he wants my life to be full and happy. So there are times when I have to allow doors to be closed. When I have to grieve the loss of a person, or friendship, or what might have been and know that God has making my dreams and desires come true and sometimes having those fulfilled means that getting what I think I want may not really be what I want.

Please continue to keep the Rine and Pate families in your thoughts and prayers and allow that God will make this what it is supposed to be and what will bring him the most glory.

Thanks for listening to my big old rant!

Have a blessed day!

Action…

It is often easy to forget that sometimes there are no words needed and action will do it 10 times better.  This sounds dumb I’m sure…but I got this from my episode of Grey’s tongiht. I realize that sounds crazy, but if you watch it with the mind-set and an open mind you’d be surprised how stupid, fry your brain shows could possibly help and even show some really awesome things to you. Which brings me back to action….

I have often found that actions both mine and those of others have a much bigger impact than the words we say or the action that we don’t take. I continue to find this over and over. Whether it be in work, families, with children, parents, co-workers, husband, wives, friends. Actions can make or break any situation.

Someone can tell me they love me, but when they DO something for me that love is an actions. That love is feasable, and real, and mudane life, cleaning, doing laundry, or dishes. When someone does something that is “your job”, or your child kisses your head, or your your arm. When your friend remembers an important day or event and calls you or does something special for you. Actions….we DO things all day long. Why not make the things that we do count, make our actions one’s that will leave a smile on someone’s face, make their day brighter, or take something off of their probably already very full plate.

We can do things that make people cry, touch their hearts, and sometimes those actions can change someone’s life forever. You never know what it is going to be, and you never know what little actions can change someone’s life. I love to think about taking actions. I admit that I often fail on my thoughts or intentions. But I am working on that, as I get older I want to do things that are going to make that impact, that will change someone’s life, or make their day better. I want people to remember me, not because I’m great but because of my heart and the way I live my life. I know that they may not always know this…but I get this from God. He created me in a very special way, with a very big, special, loving and forgiving heart. The first time I ever remember being told I had a big heart a counselor at camp told me that I had a heart as big as Texas. It still makes me smile to this day. Sure those words mean something, but it was the hug and the look in her eyes when she said it that really made me feel good.

I will never be like anyone else, I will never be anywhere close. I am in my own catagory, just enough different in so many different ways that it makes me not even close to anyone. There have been one or two that I have met that come close. And there are many people that understand one aspect of me or another. But the way God put me together, I was made to make a difference. Maybe not on everyone but on the lives of those around me and the one’s I come in contact with. I pray that I will always remember that and consciously make my actions one’s that will allow me to make that difference. And I challenge you to find your strengths..whatever they are and take action….share with others and live life. Leave the mark that God made only you to leave on the hearts and lives of those people that are around you.

Thanks for listening.

Have a blessed day!!!!!

Who I am…

I have realized that who I am is someone that most people often find fault with. I know that I am not perfect and that I am not always in the right. It has come to my attention that I over talk people and that I talk to much. Not that talking to much is something new, or that I haven’t done it my whole life. But I have always just assumed that the people in my life that know me and loved me chose to overlook that in me. Plus, according to at least one person the main time that I tend to over talk is when I am saying something or trying to make a point that someone does not want to hear. I realize that this may also be what makes me undesirable, but I refuse to let anyone, especially that the people that I love surrender and stay where they are. I know that sometimes that makes myself and who I am difficult. I have accapted that who I am is so very different, and that where I live I am often very alone. But sometimes I would like to have something else. I have found that when I try to be different than I have always been and than what people know about me. They think there is something wrong with me and that I am not being true to who I am.

It is hard to change, and I am not in any way against change. But I have come to realize that just because someone wants you to change doesn’t necessarily mean that you should or that in the long run life would be better if I do. This is a hard thing to live with and to learn to deal with. It can be very alienating and it can leave me feeling very alone, and by myself a lot of the time. It would be easier to change, to be what people think I should be or want me to be. But I know that in the big picture that would be more wrong than anything. I have things to contribute. I can and have changed people’s lives, and in the end that is what I want my life to be. I want my children to see someone that loves and that learns, changes, and grows. And that cares more about what God wants and strives to find that, even if the effort is sometimes wrong no matter what the cost or how alone I may feel. God is always with me and he will lead me to being the person that he meant for me to be, and he will allow me to have the impact in my life and in this world that he meant for me to have.

THanks for listening

Have a blessed day!

I surrender…..

I am sad tonight….

my step-son….who I hardly know went to prom. I can’ place blame but at this point I just want to know him. And for him to feel welcome at my house..

I don’t know if it was his mom’s fault, his dad’s, or mine, or a combination…but it hurts….

and then there are friends that don’t even know what they do for me…

my husband he often doesn’t understand…

I am as tormented as he is…..

well…I’m not sure how else to explain….

but I know that it hurts and I wish and pray and hope that someday I will or God will or we will have the capacity to change things….

thanks

have a blessed day